GK: It's a great holiday, Halloween. You should think about having a party next weekend. Inviting your friends. Everybody dress up as someone else. A chance to paint your faces and put on funny hats. So what are you and Mrs. Clinton going to dress up as this year, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): Well, Hillary and I have always had a great appreciation for Halloween, just as we appreciate all of our great holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas and of course the Fourth of July and Arbor Day, and let's not forget the importance of trees in our everyday life,....and Memorial Day.....Labor Day, honoring our working people, who certainly deserve recognition, and Columbus Day.....and Presidents Day, certainly. Veterans Day. Martin Luther King's birthday.
GK: But Halloween, Mr. President.
TR (CLINTON): Halloween is another of our American holidays, and one that I feel is very very important, and it has so much to teach us about learning who we are and learning to confront our fears and learning to be with other people and have a good time and learning how to go door to door and ask for contributions.
GK: Right. What costume are you going to wear this year, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): Both Hillary and I are going to dress up as special prosecutors.
GK: Sounds good. Mr. Perot?
TR (PEROT): I am going to dress up as a member of the media and go around and look in people's windows, that's what I'm going to do.
GK: You be careful. How about you, President Bush? What are you going to wear?
TR (BUSH): Well, thinking about Halloween and that whole tradition of Halloween and trick or treating ---- had a lot of toilet paper up in the trees last year ---- boy, that was a pain in the old wazoo ----- had to climb up and clean that stuff out ----- and then I come in and Bar says that her right shoulder is sore ----- kinda made me wonder, but you know ---- marriage is based on trust--- - what was the question?
GK: Your costume?
TR (BUSH): It was my favorite toilet paper too. The four- ply, you know. Boy, that's soft.
GK: What's your costume for Halloween, Mr. Bush?
TR (BUSH): Well, last year Bar and I stuck all these little branches to us and dressed up as shrubs, but this year, I donno, I was thinking maybe we'd be tax and spend liberals again....you know the type....
GK: I do indeed. If you want to borrow any of my clothes, just let me know....
TR (BUSH): Maybe your corduroy jacket with the leather elbow patches.
GK: You got it. Julia? What are you wearing for Halloween this year?
TR (JULIA): Oh, I'm going to wear a very light pastry crust and go as a beef Wellington.
GK: Sounds lovely.
TR (JULIA): I was thinking of going as a Parker House roll, but it gets chilly on Halloween.
GK: Yes indeed. Tom Brokaw, what's your costume this year?
TR (BROKAW): Well, for Halloween, I believe that I will dress up as a vice-president for news.
GK: A vice-president for news. I see.
TR (BROKAW): Wear a grey suit and go around talking about the horizontal chain of command and establishing parameters of quality.
GK: Sounds pretty scary. What are you going to dress up as for Halloween, Mr. Rogers?
TR (ROGERS): Would you like to know what Mr. Rogers is going to be for Halloween? is that what you're asking me? Mr. Rogers is going to dress up as a little person. A boy with a bowl of Sugar Flakes and a remote control in his right hand, and crusted sugar on his face, watching cartoons and playing his Nintendo.
GK: Pretty scary.
TR (ROGERS): Yes, it is. And he puts ketchup on his Sugar Flakes. And he is going to grow up to become somebody whom we read about in the newspaper.
GK: Mr. Rogers, please. You're scaring the parents.
TR (ROGERS): And it won't be because he got a scholarship. No, it won't.
GK: Mr. Rogers---
TR (ROGERS): It'll be because he came into his parents' bedroom very late one night.....
GK: That's all the time we have, Mr. Rogers.
TR (ROGERS): He was a very quiet boy and very polite but he too much sugar.
GK: Mr. Rogers-----
TR (ROGERS): And that's what drove him berserk. Yes, it did. He was very polite. But he was berserk.
GK: Thank you, Mr. Rogers.
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor