(SNORES, ABOUT FIVE OF THEM)
TR: When a man reaches the age of forty, his brain needs more sleep, and his sleep patterns may change so that an ordinary alarm clock has no effect on him. (RING. SNORING STOP. WHACK. RINGING STOPS. SNORING RESUMES) That's when you need to consider the F ORCE TEN Pro-Active Wake-up System....it's conceptual---- it's seismic - --- it's random, it's digital ---- and it works. Look at this. (THUNDER, LIGHTNING) Force Ten doesn't just ring a bell, it creates an entire environment designed to get your adrenali ne level up where it needs to be---- the alarm goes off and your bed shakes and salt water splashes in your face....(CRIES OF TERROR. HURRICANE WINDS. SAILS AND RIGGING. TK: It's going down!)
TR: Force Ten is not just a buzzer. Force Ten uses lights, sound, smell----
TK: (GK DISTANT SIRENS) Wha----- what is it? (SNIFFING) Smoke!!!!! Oh no....(CRY OF PANIC. BARE FEET RUNNING)
TR: Every day, it's something new and unexpected to get you out of bed --- with Force Ten, there's no ten- or fifteen minute period of grogginess as you gradually awaken ---- Force Ten gets you fully awake, your heart pounding, adrenaline pumping, in just seconds....
(MUFFLED POUNDING ON DOOR, SHOUTS. BUST DOWN DOOR. TR: Federal agents! On the floor! Against the wall! (DOGS BARKING) (TK PANIC)
TR: Force Ten---- it's not just a buzzer, it's----
(LONG TIRE SKIDDING SOUND, CRASH, GLASS BREAKAGE)
TR: Every morning, a totally new wake-up experience.....
(SNORING)
SS: Hi Dave. It's me. Doreen. Your first wife. Remember?
TK: Oh-oh.
TR: There are more than three hundred wake-up experiences programmed into the Force Ten system, including your dentist (TK: Open! DRILL), avalanches (RUMBLE AND ROAR), handguns (SHOTS), leakage (DRIPPING), weasels in your bed (SFX SNIFFING AND GRUNTING), your dad....
GK (GRUFF): Hey! Get out of there!
TR: A phone call from your son (TK (teen): Guess what? I'm getting married, Dad.), typhoons (WIND), earthquakes (SHAKING, GLASSES RATTLING), an attack by wild swine (PIGS), a flyover by F-16s (JETS OVERHEAD), the explosion of gas tanks (MUFFLED BOOMS), a medical examination....
TK: Bend over, please, and just relax.....
TR: A visit from a lady in a navy blue suit....
SS: Maxine Swanson, Internal Revenue Service, sir. May I come in?
TR: If your current clock radio or alarm clock isn't doing the job, try Force Ten. It really works. (DOG SNARL) (MUSICAL BUTTON)
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor