(THREE BIG CHORDS) PRIVATE
GK: It's Saturday and Mrs. Zimmer at the Arts Center said she was going to call me today and tell me if they've accepted my play, "The Flaming Heart," for their Spring Theater Festival. They're doing "Music Man," "The Man Who Came To Dinner," and "Man of La Mancha," and they're looking for an original work by a local playwright. This could be the break I've been hoping and praying for. But I'm afraid to get my hopes up. They've been crushed so often in the past.
(BIG ARPEGGIATA THEME, APPASSIONATO, AND UNDER....)
TR (ANNC): The Story of Bob, A Young Artist....brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products.
(VIOLIN THEME, AND UNDER....)
(DISHES BEING CLEARED FROM THE TABLE)
SS: You're done with the cottage cheese pizza, aren't you, Bob?
GK: Yes. I can't eat a bite, Berniece. I'm sorry. I'm exhausted from worry.
SS: I got the recipe from TV Guide.
GK: I'm sure it's delicious. But I can't.
SS: I just want to clear the table so I can spread out my crossword puzzle and get that taken care of.... (DISHES CLEARING) What are you doing fussing with those Venetian blinds, Pops? don't you go breaking them---
TR: Trying to fix em so the sun isn't shining in my eyes.
SS: Well, why not just move your chair?
TR: Darn blinds are busted. (IMPATIENCE WITH BLINDS)
GK: I've been sitting here since nine o'clock this morning, waiting to hear from Mrs. Zimmer, and my insides are tied up in knots.
(MORE VENETIAN BLIND ACTIVITY)
SS: Don't yank at the blinds, Pops---- you're going to pull em right off the wall!
GK: When this phone rings, I want everybody in this room to just be still. Everybody got that? I don't want a lot of yelling and shouting when Mrs. Zimmer calls. And then I want Berniece to answer it and say, in a very calm voice, "Boblett Residence." You got that?
TR: You already told us this!
SS: (AFFECTED) Boblett residence.
GK: No, use your normal voice.
SS: Boblett residence.
GK: Good. And when Mrs. Zimmer asks for me, you say, "Just one moment." And then you call as if I'm in the next room.
SS: Okay.
GK: I don't want her to think I'm sitting by the phone. Let me hear you call me.
SS: You want me to go in the next room?
GK: No---- call me----
SS: You're right here.
GK: Just do it.
SS: Bob----
TR: We been through all this six times already!
GK: It's important! Call me, as if I'm in the next room.
SS: BOB!
GK: Don't shriek. Just call to me----
SS: You're making me so nervous, I can hardly remember what I was supposed to say first.
GK: Boblett Residence.
SS: Oh. Okay.
GK: And then I'll come and you say, "Here, it's for you."
SS: Here, it's for you.
GK: There. That's all you have to do. Is that so hard? I mean, this is going to be the first play of mine ever to be produced. On a stage. With actors. The first.
(PAUSE)
TR: How much they going to pay you for it?
(GK SIGH)
GK: That is not the point, is it. No, it's not.
(PAUSE)
TR: You're not getting a dime from these people for all the work you put into it?
GK: I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.
(PAUSE)
SS: What is a three-letter word for "giant"?
GK: I don't know why I get all worked up over this. She's not going to pick me anyway, she's going to pick Sheldon McCullough. That phony. (VENETIAN BLINDS, TR MUTTERING)
SS: You know, if you'd just pull on the right one, that's what closes the blinds.
TR: I know how to operate Venetian blinds, Berniece.
SS: Good. Then don't pull them down off the window. And don't knock my African violet off the sill.
GK: Sheldon McCullough doesn't have an original bone in his body. He couldn't write his way out of a paper sack.
SS: You're pulling the wrong cord.
TR: I've been operating Venetian blinds all my life, I don't need anyone to tell me how to operate Venetian blinds.
GK: Sheldon McCullough!
TR: (FOOTSTEPS TO TABLE) What you cleared away all the food for, Berniece?
SS: I asked if you wanted more cottage cheese pizza!
GK: His work is utterly derivative.
SS: I thought you were done with lunch. You got up from the table.
TR: I got up to fix these Venetian blinds so the sun isn't in my eyes. Dagnab it! (VENETIAN BLINDS)
SS: See? You're pulling the little roller-thing right off the track.
TR: No wonder they don't work.
SS: You don't listen to me, you just keep yanking.
TR: Things were never properly installed.
SS: They work just fine if you don't yank on them.
TR: Shoulda installed them myself.
GK: Would you please stop? can't you see my nerves are ready to snap? do you have to drive me right over the edge? do you?
TR: If I had the proper tools, I'd get a lot of things fixed up around here.
(VENETIAN BLINDS)
GK: Would you mind? Stop!
SS: Just sit down, Pops.
(TR MUTTERING)
GK: I wonder if the phone is working---
SS: You've checked it fifteen times this morning, Bob.
GK: She's going to pick Sheldon McCullough, I know it. What a fake he is.
SS: What is a three-letter word for "Giant"?
GK: Ott.
SS: That's not three letters.
GK: O-t-t.
SS: I don't think so. I think it must be "b-i-g".
GK: It's O-t-t. Mel Ott. He played for the Giants.
SS: I don't think that's right.
TR: I'm going to call up Arvid and have him come fix these blinds.
GK: Don't you dare touch that phone----
TR: It'll only take a minute----
GK: Don't touch that phone.
TR: What's got into you all of a sudden?
GK: I've told you fifty-eight times. This is my big moment.
TR: Sitting here, sun in my eyes, getting a headache....
SS: So move your chair.
TR: People take away the pizza before I'm even done eating.
SS: Why, you're right, it's Ott. (PHONE RINGS)
GK: Okay. I want everybody quiet. This is it. (VENETIAN BLINDS) Leave those blinds alone.
TR: I got sun right in my eyes....
GK: Stop it.
TR: It's like a torture chamber here....(PHONE)
GK: Berniece, you answer and say, "Boblett Residence."
SS: Boblett residence.
GK: No, not like that. (PHONE) Boblett Residence.
SS: Boblett residence.
GK: And she asks for me, and you say, "Just one moment."
SS: Just one moment.
GK: And call to me in the next room. (PHONE)
SS: Bob?
GK: A little louder.
SS: BOB!!!!
GK: Not so angry. (PHONE)
SS: Bob????
GK: That's better. Try it again. A little more playful, or warmer---
SS: Bob----
GK: Okay, but you have to project into the next room. (PHONE)
SS: BOB!
GK: Good.
SS: Why don't you just answer it---- I'm so nervous....
GK: No, you answer it. Come on.
SS: Okay, just let me collect myself. (PHONE)
GK: And don't forget, you wait a minute and then you say, "Here, it's for you."
SS: Here, it's for you.
TR: Well, answer the dang phone for crying out loud! (PICKUP) Yeah? Who is it?
GK: Give me that phone. Give me that!
TR: Who?? I can't hear you! Speak up!
GK: Give me that phone.
TR: Sure, just a minute. ---- Here. It's for you, Genius.
GK: I can't believe you would say that---- (PHONE IS DROPPED ON FLOOR) He dropped it! He dropped the phone on the floor!
SS: Pick it up, Bob!
GK: He just dropped it on the floor----
SS: Here--- talk----(HURRIEDLY PICKED UP)
GK: Hello? (VOICE OTHER END) Who? (VOICE) No, I don't want to try a new long-distance service. (VOICE) No, I'm satisfied with my present service. (VOICE) No, I don't. (VOICE) No. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) What's that?
SS: Someone's at the door.
GK: Who?
SS: Who's there, Pops?
GK: I can't talk right now. (VOICE) Hang on. (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN)
RL: You must be Bob. Bob Boblett. The author of "My Flaming Heart".
GK: Mrs. Zimmer?
RL: I read your play, Bob. I liked it. Very much.
GK: You did?
RL: It's wonderful, Bob. We want to do it in our Spring Theater Festival. We're doing "The Music Man," "The Man Who Came To Dinner," and "The Man of La Mancha," and we'd also like to do "The Flaming Heart".
GK: You would?
RL: It needs to be a little shorter.
GK: Uh huh.
RL: It's about six hours. An hour and a half would be fine.
GK: I see.
RL: I think you'll have to think about taking out the Sunday dinner where they're watching the football game.
GK: You think that should come out.
RL: They sit on stage and eat the turkey dinner and watch the football game and don't say much ---- that's about three and a half hours right there.
GK: I see.
RL: And also I don't think we can have a schoolbus come out on stage and fifty first-graders get off it.
GK: No?
RL: No, I'm afraid not.
GK: It was a good scene. Especially with the giraffe and everything.
RL: We've got to take out the giraffe too.
GK: I see.
RL: And the part where two people in the audience mysteriously disappear. Other than that---- I like it.
GK: I see.
RL: So I hope you can make those few cuts and send it back to us.
GK: Okay.
RL: Congratulations on writing a fine play, Mr. Boblett.
GK: Good.
RL: I enjoyed reading it.
GK: No problem.
RL: Goodbye.
GK: See you. (DOOR CLOSE)
SS: What'd she say? They gonna do it?
GK: They want to do it. My play.
SS: Is that what she said?
GK: They're going to do my play.
SS: She wants to do your play?
GK: The Flaming Heart. She thinks it's good.
SS: She does?
GK: She wants to do my play.
SS: She said that?
GK: She said they want to do it in the spring.
SS: Well, that'll be nice, won't it.
TR: How much is she going to pay you for it?
GK: They're going to do my play.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST....was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products. Join us next time when we'll hear Berniece say....
SS: What do you mean, "what do I feel"?
GK: I want you to describe your feelings.
SS: Describe what feelings?
GK: The feelings you have now....
SS: About what?
GK: A woman's feelings. I need to know. It's for my play. I need to know what it feels like to be a woman.
TR: He means, how do you feel about sex.
GK: I do not!
SS: Oh, for mercy.....
GK: I'm talking about womanhood.
TR: Tell him about your sex life, Berniece.
GK: This is not about that.
TR: Put some sex in your play, and they'll pay you some money, and we can go to Tampa for the winter. What do you say, Rex? A little sex, huh? (DOG THUMPING, PANTING, JINGLING)
GK: I don't know how I can finish this by Tuesday. It needs so much work. Without the giraffe, it just seems to have lost its symbolic center or something.
TR (ANNC): That's next time on....THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST. (MUSIC UP AND OUT)
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor