(GUY NOIR THEME & GK SINGS)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the busy streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
(PIANO)
GK: It was one of those heartbreaking October days when the sheer beauty of the trees and the sky bring back the memory of all the loves that might have been. So I walked over to the Five Spot to get myself an antidote. (GLASSWARE) How's it going, Jimmy?
TR (BARTENDER): Not bad, Guy. How's it with you?
GK: Okay. I see you got yourself a new waitress.
TR (BARTENDER): Quite a looker, huh? Stella's her name.
(WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
GK: The waitress approached the bar, and beneath the sophisticated exterior --- the hair dyed black, the black fingernails, the white makeup, the ring in her nose, the tattoo on her right shoulder --- I could see a scared kid --- like so many --- lured to Minneapolis by the dream of big money and finding the reality of heartbreak and the scarcity of a parking space.
SS: Something I can get you, Mister?
GK: Bring me a gin, Stella. Straight up, with a spoonful of raspberry jam on the side. ---Never liked the taste of gin somehow. Reminds me of aspirin.
SS: Anything else?
GK: Yeah. A little warmth.
SS: What do you mean, mister?
GK: I mean, it's October, Stella. It's a time when people need each other. You ought to know that. You're from the country.
SS: How did you know that?
GK: Cause you got your dog with you. (WOOF) And he's got sandburrs.
SS: You're right. I'm from Willmar.
GK: What's the name of the pooch? (WOOF)
SS: Freckles. He's all I have....
GK: Thought you were going to come to Mill City and become another Betty Crocker, didn't you----
SS: (SNIFFLES) It was crazy. But I had a recipe for chocolate-chip prune- whip muffins. Everybody back home thought they were great.
GK: So you thought you could make it in the big time, huh? Thought you could get yourself a big recipe deal, huh?
TR (RICO): Hey----Guy--- remember me? Rico? (SAX STING)
GK: I turned and there, in his black velvet jogging suit, was Rico --- the Mob's main man in Minneapolis.
TR: Introduce me to the babe, Noir. (SAX UNDER)
GK: Rico Carbonato, the guy who runs the Mob's multi-million dollar health club operation, and controls the sale of sport utility vehicles, and the guy who takes a cut from every peppermill in every restaurant in Minneapolis. Everytime a waiter offers to put pepper on your mahi tuna, it's money in Rico's pocket.
TR: C'mere, doll. No point in a beautiful babe wasting her youth talking to some washed-up pair of wingtips ---- huh? what's your name, doll?
GK: Leave her alone, Rico.
TR: When Rico sees what he wants, Rico doesn't stop, Noir. Get that? (TR EFFORT, GK OOFFFF) You get that, Noir? (TR BIG EFFORT, CRUNCH. GK OOOFFFF) You hear what I'm saying, Noir? (TR BIGGER EFFORT, KONK, GK OOFFFF) I think he heard me, doll. (FOOTSTEPS OFF. MUSIC)
GK: Rico had pounded my kisser into the bar so hard that all the initials people had carved there were imprinted on my forehead.
TR (BARTENDER): You okay, Guy?
GK: Guess I'll skip the gin for today, Jimmy. Already got the hangover. (MUSIC) I headed back to the office (FOOTSTEPS, TRAFFIC), and on the way, I stepped into a phone booth and called Dugan down at police headquarters----
TR (DUGAN, ON PHONE): Yeah?
GK: Dugan, it's me. Guy. What's going down with Rico? I saw him at the Five Spot.
TR (DUGAN, ON PHONE): Listen, Noir, I got better things to do, okay?
GK: I think they're bringing in peppermills, Dugan.
TR (DUGAN, ON PHONE): Awwwww, what do you know? Go peddle your papers elsewhere. (CLICK) (MUSIC STING)
GK: I decided to skip the office and go down to City Hall and check the records, when all of a sudden....
RL: Excuse me, mister.
GK: Yes?
RL: The name is Moira McGinnis, sir. I'm from County Donegal.
GK: I got an impression you weren't Lutheran.
RL: Pray tell--- what is Lutheran?
GK: It's a long story. What can I do for you?
RL: You don't mind if we step in where it's warm, do you now? (MUSIC)
GK: She was shivering, though she had a heavy woollen cloak wrapped around her, and a wool skirt and kerchief....we found a booth in the corner of the Five Spot---- (GLASSWARE)
TR (BARTENDER): What can I get you?
GK: Where's your waitress, Jimmy?
TR: Stella? she went off with Rico.
GK: Rico!
TR: Drove away in his sport utility vehicle.
GK: Bring a Guinness for the lady, and ---- a gin and a spoonful of raspberry jam for me ---- So--- Moira McGinnis.....
RL: I'll come right to the point, Mr. Noir. I came over from County Donegal to work as a housemaid and I was doing fine, I was, and then---- they kidnapped me and carried me off in a coal truck and I've been kept prisoner, and made to perform in that Irish folk dance extravaganza, The Lord of the River.
GK: They forced you to dance in it?
RL: Aye. There are three-hundred of us stepdancers and fiddlers and accordionists, there are ---- all of us taken captive, and carried around the country in trucks ----- and made to dance ---- hornpipes and reels and gigs ---- for hours every night ---- for no money ---- and I never cared for Irish music, I hated it, I did.
GK: You did?
RL: I'm a Duke Ellington fan, I am. The sound of a pennywhistle drives me right out of my gourd, it does.
GK: Moira?
RL: Yes, Mr. Noir?
GK: You have a habit of repeating part of your predicate at the end of a sentence, you do.
RL: You're right, you are.
GK: If you could cut that out, I'd appreciate it, I would.
RL: I think it's from seeing too many American Irish movies, it is.
GK: Tell me. Who's running this Lord of the River show?
RL: A man named Rick O'Flaherty.
GK: Rico, huh. One of his many disguises. He provides the peppermill for the pre-show dinner, he puts on the Irish folk dancing, and he sells em the sport utility vehicle for the ride home. Pretty nice for Rico.
RL: I'm trapped in a line of stepdancers, doing the jig, Mr. Noir. I need to get out.
GK: Don't you worry about a thing, Moira. I'll get you back home before you know it. (STING AND TIME PASSAGE AND PLACE CHANGE)
TR (DUGAN): What are you telling me this cockamamie nonsense for, Noir? Rico's strictly legit.
GK: Listen, Dugan. The Mob is running peppermills in Minneapolis.
TR (DUGAN): Pepper is legal in Minneapolis, Noir. Garlic is controlled, but not pasta ---
GK: They're behind the sport utility vehicles. The health clubs. And now-- -- they're kidnapping young women and forcing them to become Irish stepdancers----- (DOOR OPEN.)
TK (OFF): Captain Dugan----
TR (DUGAN): What is it? Who is she??....(HURRYING FOOTSTEPS, AND STOP)
GK: It's her. Stella.
TR (DUGAN): The girl you met in the Five Spot?
GK: Stella! (LIGHT SLAPS) Stella, wake up----
SS (COMING TO, WITH IRISH ACCENT): Ah, the love dew dims our eyes till the day....when God shall come from the sea with a sigh....
GK: She's been hypnotized. And they've dyed her hair red.
SS: ....and bid the stars drop down from the sky....and the moon like a pale rose wither away.
GK: She's from Willmar, Dugan. She's been brainwashed.
TR: Easy, girl. Easy---- (STING AND TRANSITION)
GK: I went to my office and lay on the couch but I couldn't sleep, thinking about those innocent women ---- and just as I was starting to feel drowsy (CREAK), I heard a sound, and I could see, out of the corner of my eye, a shadow at the window.....(CREAKING AS OF WINDOW BEING SLOWLY OPENED) somebody was on the ledge, easing the window open....slowly, I crept along the wall (SHOES SLIDING), my gun drawn, as the dark figure crawled over the radiator, and then---- (CLICK) --- hold it right there, mister.
TK (SHUDDER): Looks like you got the drop on me, Noir.
GK: You're Rico's right hand man, Rocco, aren't you.
TK: Right.
GK: Okay. Start talking, punk.
TK: What you want to know about, Noir?
GK: I want to know about Stella. And Moira.
TR (RICO, OFF): Why don't you ask me, Noir? (HE LAUGHS) Put the gun down. Nice and easy.
GK: You got me, Rico---- I didn't see you there, behind the potted palm.
TR (RICO): Put the gun down, Noir. (CLUNK OF GUN) That's better. (FOOTSTEPS) I had about enough trouble from you, gumshoe. Time for you to take a little ride, huh, Rocco?
TK: That's right, Rico.
SS (OFF): Guess again, Rico.
TR (RICO): Stella!
SS: Didn't see me here behind the hat rack, did you. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
TR (RICO): Rats!
SS: This is a .44 Magnum in my right hand, Rico. World's most powerful handgun. Don't make me use it.
TR (DUGAN, OFF): I don't think you're going to be using anything, Stella.
SS: Who's that?
GK: It's Dugan! I knew he was in on this.
TR (DUGAN): That's right, Noir. Detective Lieutenant Dugan. Over here in the corner behind the drapes. Drop the gun, ma'am. (GUN FALLS TO FLOOR) Good. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: I had a hunch you were in on this, Dugan.
TR (DUGAN): I thought that you knew I was in on this, so that's why I had to stop you, Noir.
GK: You and Rico, you're in this together.
TR (DUGAN): That's right. We're bringing in sixteen sport utility vehicles tonight and each of em packed to the gills with peppermills.
GK: You'll never get away with it, Dugan.
TR (DUGAN): Who's going to stop us, Noir?
GK: Look behind you. (WOOF)
SS: Freckles!
TR (DUGAN): What the heck---- what's that dog doing? (SNARL)
GK: That's a police dog, Dugan, and he's got a .38 Mauser in his right front paw and it's aimed right at you.
SS: Oh Freckles! you saved my life! (WOOF)
TR (BARTENDER, OFF): Not so fast, Stella.
GK: Jimmy!
SS: Jimmy the bartender from the Five Spot?
TR (BARTENDER, OFF): One and the same, Stella. I'm over here. Behind the water cooler.
SS: So---- you're in with them too, Jimmy?
TR (BARTENDER): Yes, I am, Stella. Drop the gun, Freckles. (DOG WHINE. GUN FALLS ON FLOOR) Good boy.
GK: So you and Rico and Rocco and Dugan, you're all in it----
TR (RICO): That's right, Noir. We got these vehicles arriving at midnight tonight plus we're bringing in a truckload of sea salt too. (HE CHUCKLES, EVILLY)
RL (OFF): You forgot about me, did you, Rico?
GK: Moira! Is that you?
RL (OFF): Right here, under the desk.
TR (RICO): Shoulda known..... (TK MUTTERS)
RL (OFF): Drop the gun, bartender---- (TR JIMMY RETORT, GUN DROP) That's better. And drop that peppermill, Rico---
TR (RICO): Oh yeah? what if I don't? huh? what do you got, Irish lady?
RL: I got this, right here. (OOOHHHS) That's right. A cigarette. Drop that pistol, or I'll light it, Rico.
TR (RICO): But you're indoors! You can't smoke indoors in Minnesota---
RL: No? You think not? (CLICK OF LIGHTER)
TR (RICO): Hey---- that secondary smoke ---- you can't do that?
RL: Listen, punk: you're looking at smoke --- a known carcinogenic. And I guess you have to ask yourself one question, and that is: do I feel lucky today? Well? do you, punk? (PAUSE, AND STING)
GK: Later that night, after Rico and Dugan and Rocco and Jimmy had been booked and we'd sorted everything out, I drove Stella and Moira to the airport (TK PA VOICE, MUFFLED).....
RL: Sounds like they're calling our flight to Dublin then.
GK: You take care of yourself. Both of you.
SS: It's like a dream come true. To take my chocolate-chip prune-whip muffin recipe to Ireland!
GK: It was good to meet you, Moira. Stella, you take care.
RL: Good to meet you, Guy ----
GK: I guess you were a little disappointed in the Midwest, weren't you.
RL: I always imagined it would be more peaceful.
GK: It used to be, Moira. Back when people ate more red meat and dairy products. It made them laidback. And now---- with all these vegetarians --- -
RL: Abstaining from animal products ---- it turns a person into an animal, don't it, Mr. Noir.
GK: I'm afraid it does, Moira. I'm afraid it does. (MUSIC)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building is a guy still trying to find the answers to life's questions.....Guy Noir, private eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor