SS: Welcome to the second half of A Prairie Home Companion. If you wish to continue, press 1 now.
If you wish your dog to die, press zero now.
If you would like to send a greeting to someone who is listening to the show, press 2 now. (BEEP)
You have pressed 2 to send a greeting. If this is a birthday greeting, press 1 now. If this is an anniversary greeting, press 2 now. If you would like to send abusive insults, press 3 now. (BEEP)
You have pressed 3. If this abusive insult is for someone in your own family, press 1 now. For someone at your place of work, press 2 now. For a world leader or entertainment figure, press----- (BEEP) You have pressed 2. Using the letters of your telephone keypad, please type in your abusive message now.
(RAPID SERIES OF 12-15 BEEPS) (PAUSE)
I'm sorry. The message you typed cannot be broadcast over the public airwaves at this time. Please type another message.
(SLOWER SERIES OF 8-10 BEEPS) (PAUSE)
I'm sorry. You are a very sick person and your call is being automatically forwarded to a trained counsellor.
(PAUSE)
TR: Hello. My name is Arthur and I'll be your counsellor. At the moment, I am with another client, but if you would please say the words "Yes" or "No" in response to the following questions, it would help me get to know you better. Or you may press the letters Y or N on your telephone keypad.
Do you ever go into fits of helpless rage during which specks of saliva fly from your mouth?
TK (LARRY): Yes.
TR: Does this happen frequently? occasionally? once in awhile? are you in such a rage right now?
TK: No.
TR: Are you holding a sharp object in your hand right now, such as a knife, sword, icepick, pitchfork, spatula, TV antenna, chisel, or entrenching tool?
TK: I have a pencil.
TR: Do you ever have fantasies, while driving your car, that you have heat-seeking missiles in your tailpipe?
TK: I don't have a car.
TR: Do you hear voices that tell you to do bad things?
TK: Like what, for example?
TR: Do you believe that Bill and Hillary Clinton are "after" you and have instructed space aliens to follow you and to put mind- altering substances in your hot dogs?
TK: I don't know.
TR: Please wait while we tabulate your responses.
(PAUSE)
Thank you for waiting. Judging by your responses to my questions, you will need two counselling sessions a week for the next six years. Press 1 if you prefer Mondays and Wednesdays. Press 2 for Tuesdays and Thursdays. Press 3 if you---
You have chosen Mondays and Wednesdays. The cost will be $823 for the first month. Please enter your credit card number now. (8 BEEPS)
That card is invalid. Please wait and an operator will help you.
(PAUSE)
TK (LARRY): Hello?
TR: An operator will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
TK (LARRY): Hello?
SS: Hello, this is Lindsay, which major credit card will you be using today?
TK (LARRY): I don't have a credit card. I only have a library card.
SS: We do not accept library cards, sir.
TK: Could I pay in stamps or something?
SS: I'm sorry, sir, we don't accept stamps either.
TK (LARRY): I've got over six-thousand dollars worth of uncancelled stamps that I've steamed off envelopes over the years --- couldn't I use those?
SS: I'm sorry. Do you have any major animals you could trade? Cows? sheep? swine? camels?
TK (LARRY): I got a cat.
SS: I'm sorry. We don't accept cats. Would you be willing to sign a contract making you an indentured servant for the duration of your counselling?
TK (LARRY): Okay, I guess so.
SS: And you understand that, under the terms of the contract, you might be assigned to pick cotton, or pull large stones for pyramids, or be chained to an oar in the galley of a large boat and be lashed with leather whips?
TK (LARRY): Oh. Well. I guess that's okay.
SS: Good. We'll mail the contract to you today, and you should receive that on Monday or Tuesday. We'll see you on Wednesday. Is there anything else I can help you with?
TK (LARRY): Can I send my greeting now?
SS: I'm sorry. We're not taking any more greetings for today's show. Maybe next week.
TK (LARRY): Okay. Thanks.
SS: You're welcome. And thank you for your interest in A Prairie Home Companion. To go back to the beginning of this menu, press 1 now. To exit this menu, stand up and walk out the nearest door and turn left.
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor