(A DARK CHORD, SUSTAINED) GK: We all know that sometimes life gets amazingly hard, and you have to put your head down and plow forward. And then sometimes (DARKER CHORD, STINGING) life gets downright mean, and what do you do then? (MUSIC BRIDGE)
TK: (CLEARS THROAT) Mr. and Mrs. Gerberding?
TR: Yes?
SS: You have the results?
TK: Yes, we have the results of the amniocentesis, and---- well, first of all, there are no signs of spinal bifida or Downs syndrome....
TR: Oh, that's wonderful.
SS: I'm so relieved.
TR: So the baby's normal?
TK: Yes. In a way.
SS: What do you mean? "In a way"?
TK: (CLEARS THROAT) The amniocentesis and the ultrasound both reveal that --- that your baby has a tail ---- and sharp little claws----
TR: What?
SS: A tail?!! claws!!!??
TK: And little dark rings around its eyes.
TR: Oh no.
TK: The baby appears to be a raccoon. (QUIET OMINOUS CHORD)
SS: Oh my God....
TR: Why? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US???
TK: I'm sorry.
SS: Oh Glenn. What are we going to do?
(MUSIC UP AND UNDER)
GK: What can you do when life turns mean and nasty? You know there's no magic solution --- no key to unlock the problem --- no secret formula, no wonder drug, no miraculous herbal remedy ---- but there is broccoli. Yes, broccoli. It may not be the answer to everything, but while you're waiting for the answer, why not fix yourself a big bowl of broccoli? It's darned good and it's darned good for you. (MUSIC)
SS: He's cute, isn't he? (RACCOON CHATTERING) I like his nose, don't you----
TR: Hiya, Ricky---- how you doin, little fella---- (RACCOON)
SS: He may not be like other babies, but he's ours, Jim.
TR: He sure is. (MUSIC)
GK: When life throws you a wicked curve ---- BROCCOLI. When the needle slips and hits a nerve---BROCCOLI When road gets steep and hard and narrow---BROCCOLI When fortune slings outrageous arrows---BROCCOLI When you're oppressed by wicked fate, Have yourself a heaping plate....BROCCOLI
TR: A person could do worse than eat more broccoli, that's for sure. (BUTTON)
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor