(WESTERN THEME)
TR (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Lazy Eight Wide-Rider Jeans.....the jeans with the elastic seat to keep a man in shape after days in the saddle --- and now here's today's story....
(OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, CATTLE. HORSES' HOOVES. GK & TR WHOOPS. CATTLE REACTIONS)
GK: There you go. Bring in the gate!
TR: Pen em up! (CREAK OF GATE SWINGING)
GK: MORE WHOOPS (CATTLE, HORSE WHINNY) (GATE CATCHES)
TR: There! We're done.
GK: Boy, can't believe it. Whew. I am covered with dust....
TR: Another successful cattle drive. One thousand miles and we didn't lose a single head.
GK: Course we only did have just the four of them.
TR: Nonetheless. That's a long ride.
GK: Boy, it sure don't get any easier the longer you do it, does it. I'm stiffer than a sun-dried frog on the Interstate. What do you say let's go get us a drink, Dusty? (TR AGREES, THEY CLIMB DOWN FROM THE SADDLE) Stay. Stay. (HORSE WHINNY) (FOOTSTEPS ON BOARDWALK)
TR: Oklahoma City. Looks like a right civilized town....and if it weren't for the wind, I'm not sure I could stand upright.
GK: I hope they got baths here. Maybe they got a spay. (HORSE WHINNY) Easy, boy. I meant spa. Spa. I'd like to go sit in one for about a week.
TR: You look like it might take about that long, too.
GK: I look bad, don't I.
TR: You look like you've been embalmed and it wore off.
GK: I hope that Miss Evelyn Beebalo don't see me looking like this.
TR: What makes you think she's still around Oklahoma City?
GK: Her last letter was postmarked here.
TR: Ha. That was a year ago.
GK: So?
TR: Look at your self. Huh? You think a woman is going to wait around a year for that?
GK: I donno. (FOOTSTEPS STOP)
TR: Any woman who wanted you would be blind, deaf, and have very poor taste on top of it. Say, what about we go in this bar here. The Golden Barrel.
GK: Whatever. (DOOR OPEN. PIANO PLAYING IN MID-PHRASE, CAMPTOWN RACES) (FOOTSTEPS ON FLOOR)
TK: HEY! (MUSIC, FOOTSTEPS STOP)
GK: You talkin to us, mister?
TK: I was talkin to the piano player, that's who I was talkin to.
GK: Fine.
TK: I was about to tell him I'm sick of Camptown Races and I'd like to hear some Gershwin.
RD: Camptown Races is the only tune I know, Big Bob.
TK: Oh yeah? (CLICK OF HAMMER) Mr. Colt here says that you know a lot more George Gershwin than maybe you think you know.
(PAUSE, AND THEN ELABORATE BUT VERY SUAVE GLISS INTO GERSHWIN)
TK: That's better. ---I don't care for Gershwin but my girlfriend does.
GK: Well, it's fine with me.
TK: Good.
(FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE, THEY SIT DOWN AT BAR)
CF: What can I do for you, boys?
TR: We'd like two glasses and a bottle of your cheapest rotgut Cabernet Sauvignon.
CF: Cheapest rotgut Cabernet Sauvignon I got is a three-dollar bottle of Chateau de Kansas.
TR: Good. We'll take that.
CF: Here you go, boys. (POURING) It's good and fresh. Come in on the stage coach just yesterday. (POURING) You look a little the worse for wear, mister.
GK: Cowboyin just gets harder and harder, ma'am. Time to start earning a living using my wits, and I ain't got any of them either.
CF: Maybe you oughta find a desk job.
GK: I applied for one in Billings. They turned me down. It was in telephone sales. They said I smelled too strong.
CF: Huh. When you smell too bad to be on the telephone, that's bad....Yer name wouldn't happen to be ---- Lefty ---- would it? (MUSIC STOPS)
GK: It might.
CF: I thought it might. GK: How did you know that? Are you---- CF: Am I who?
GK: Evelyn?
CF: Hi, Lefty.
GK: I didn't recognize you.
CF: I had my hair redone. I knew it was you the minute you came in. I could tell.
GK: Cause my hair is all matted down, and my face is filthy.
CF: That's right.
GK: I need a bath something terrible.
CF: I know where you can get one.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AND STOP)
TK: Hey.
GK: Who you talking to? The piano player?
TK: Talking to you. You're bothering my girlfriend so she's not able to appreciate this fine George Gershwin music that we're having today. So I'd like you to go sit over there. In the corner.
GK: Well, some people feel that George Gershwin sounds good with a little conversation to go with it.
TK: Oh, is that so?
GK: Yes, that is so.
TK: Is that so, Evelyn?
CF: Big Bob, I want you to meet Lefty.
TK: I don't believe I care to meet Lefty.
GK: Well, you just did whether you want to or not. And this is my partner, Dusty.
TR: How do.
TK: Anyways, you two saddle stiffs are interfering with my enjoyment of this fine music and this dry but fruity wine with a long finish and a piquant bouquet.
TR: Well, mister, one good thing about cowboys is: we never stick around to bother anybody for that long.
TK: Evelyn? Evelyn-----
CF: (TO LEFTY) You have the prettiest eyes, Lefty. I always loved looking in your eyes.
GK: Thank you.
TR: When a woman praises a man's eyes, pardner, she is leaving out quite a bit, and generally for a good reason.
GK: I don't care. I like her eyes too.
(GUITAR STRUM)
TK: Hey! Where'd you get that guitar!!
GK: A cowboy's always got his guitar nearby, mister.
TK: That is the ugliest lookin guitar I ever seen.
GK: This guitar has been stepped on, dropped, dragged, beat on, left in the sun, and trampled by livestock, and she still plays as sweet as ever....
TR: Well, how about I shoot it a couple of times....
(CHORD STRUMMING)
GK: (SINGS)Each night I sit beside the campfire dreaming
And look up at the stars that shine on me
And as I watch the embers softly gleaming
I always picture in my memory....
Moonlight on the plains of Oklahoma,
How I wish that I were there with you,
Though it's been a year since I departed,
Still I know your heart may still be true....
I'm covered with dirt
And my feet really hurt
But I'd move earth and sky to sit by your side.
Moonlight on the plains of Oklahoma.
How I wish that I were there with you.
CF: That's lovely. Thank you.
TK: It ain't no Gershwin, I'll tell you that.
TR: Let's go, Lefty.
TK: Gershwin never included yodelling in his music and now I think I know why.
CF: Care for another Sauvignon Blanc?
TR: No thank you, ma'am. We got to be hitting the trail.
CF: But you just got here. Lefty and me haven't even had the chance to talk. We want to renew our acquaintance. Don't we, Lefty? Lefty?
TR: I'll do the talkin' for Lefty, ma'am. Come on, pardner. (CLICK OF GUN HAMMER) Last partner I had, you know, he died out here in Oklahoma.
GK: Smokey?
TR: Smokey. He died.
GK: How'd he die?
TR: I killed him.
GK: I thought you were friends.
TR: We were. It was a mercy killing. He was in love.
GK: Oh?
TR: He went through what you're going through and finally he begged me to throw him off a cliff and I did and all the way down he was yelling, "That's the nicest thing anybody ever did for me."
CF: But Lefty---
TR: Ma'am, cowboys are not meant to be in love. We are meant to have superficial relationships with women who suffer from low esteem--- the kinda women naturally attracted to cowboys. High-class women like yourself only take on a cowboy so they can reform him. Clean him up. Get the toxins out of his system. But toxins are about all a cowboy has, ma'am. So----
GK: Goodbye, Evelyn. Thanks for the Sauvignon Blanc.
CF: Anytime. ---Couldn't you stay just for the evening?
GK: Dusty's right, Evelyn. If I stayed for the evening, I'd want to make it a week, and eventually I'd get to like it so well, I'd lose my capacity for suffering, and when a cowboy does that, he isn't a cowboy anymore.
CF: But--- I love you----
GK: Shhhhhh. There's a lot of things that George Gershwin never understood, Evelyn. Goodbye. Play me some of that Camptown Races, piano man. (CAMPTOWN) (HORSES HOOVES. TR & GK GIDDUPS. GALLOP AWAY)
(THEME)
CF: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Oklahoma Brand Barn Door Openers...when you come home tired from a hard day on the range and you're too tired to get off your horse (WHINNY), why not have an Oklahoma Automatic Barn Door Opener right there on your saddle (BEEP. CREAK OF BARN DOOR OPENING) (MUSIC PLAY OFF)© 1997 by Garrison Keillor