(OUTDOOR AMBIENCE)
GK: It's a beautiful day here in Norfolk. The sun is shining, it's warm, and I think that I will use a 5-iron on this hold, 280-yard par 3, shooting over the creek and a sand trap and up the hill.
(VARIOUS WAGGLING, FOOT SETTLING. SILENCE. GOLF SWING, FLIGHT. PAUSE. CROWD AHHHHHHH. LIGHT CLAPPING)
Thank you. (CLUBS IN CART, CART STARTS UP....MOTOR, RATTLING GOLF CLUBS...UNDER)
Spring is a time of great upheaval. All winter, we're stoical, we keep our heads down, we live day to day, careful to avoid doing anything rash, but in spring, big dramatic moves get made ---- kids graduate from school and go into the wrong careers, people marry inappropriate partners---- about 80 percent of our mistakes are made in these two months, May and June. (CART ROLLS TO A STOP) What do you think, sir? a 9-iron? a wedge?
TR (CLINTON): Well, I think that that's a question we're going to have to study very closely to avoid making the mistakes that we've made in the past.
GK: Okay, thanks. (GOLF SWING, FLIGHT. PAUSE. CROWD AHHHHHHH. LIGHT CLAPPING) Thank you. --- (FOOTSTEPS ON GRASS). It was in the spring that I decided to give up radio and move to Denmark ten years ago. Now there was a brilliant move. I should tell you about it some time. As soon as it becomes funny, I will. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) And -- excuse me, sir -- What do you think? Forty----fifty-foot putt. Looks like it breaks to the left, don't you think?
TR: (CLINTON): Looks to me as if this one breaks right straight down the middle. I'd aim for the center if I were you. Triangulate.
GK: Thank you. (PUTT TICK. LONG PAUSE. CROWD EXCITEMENT BUILDS. KONK OF BALL IN CUP. CROWD AFFIRMATION, CLAPPING) Thank you. (CART PULLAWAY) People do the dumbest things in the spring. The daughter of a friend of mine got married in May a week ago. Married a guy with a voice like a chainsaw. He runs training programs for companies. He has a sign up in their dining room: Define. Commit. Develope. Compete. This was a guy you wouldn't even want to spend an afternoon with, let alone a lifetime. But she married him. It was spring. She smelled the roses. She believed in magic.
TR (CLINTON): Spring was when Hillary and I put together our plan to change health care in this country for millions of Americans. Spring, 1993.
(CART SLOWDOWN AND STOP) (FOOTSTEPS ON GRASS) ---- GK: I remember that. Four-hundred fifty foot par-4 with a water hazard on the left and sand traps ---- what do you think, sir?
TR (CLINTON): You're going to need to use a good deal of power but you want to use it in a way that is appropriate, and that you can feel good about afterwards.
GK: Okay. Thanks. (A COUPLE WAGGLES, THEN A MIGHTY GOLF SWING, FLIGHT. PAUSE. CROWD AHHHHHHH. LIGHT CLAPPING) Thank you. (CART PULLAWAY AND RIDE)---I went to her wedding. It was in May. When they came to that part in the service where the minister says, "If anyone know just cause why this man and this woman should not be joined in matrimony----," I stood up and said, "I know just cause, why they shouldn't, and one is statistics, and the other is; this thing is just not going to work out. Face it. A guy who gives his fiancee a set of forty-two audio tapes on Total Quality Marriage is not a good bet. Take the dress back, cancel the plane tickets, we'll pick up our gifts on the way out. Good luck to both of you." I made a lot of people angry, and the kids got married anyway. (CART STOPS. FOOTSTEPS ON GRASS) What do you think? Three iron?
TR (PEROT): You need a three-iron here like a purebred bull needs a pair of silk panties. You want a five-iron, it's just that simple.
GK: What happened to the big guy with the red nose and the silver hair?
TR: (PEROT): He stepped in a hole and hurt his knee.
GK: I see. Five, huh?
TR: (PEROT): It's like my daddy used to say: don't go snake-hunting if the one who brung you is standing in the middle of the stream with a new broom.
GK: Okay. Whatever you say. (GOLF SWING, FLIGHT. PAUSE. CROWD CONCERN.) C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon. (CROWD DISAPPOINTMENT) In the rough. Oh well. (CART PULLS AWAY) (WALKING THROUGH THICK BRUSH) This is deep rough in here. (JUNGLE ANIMALS, PRIMATES, BIRDS, OFF) Doggone, it's thick in here. But I know it came this way---- (SNAKE HISS) Aha. My ball swallowed by a python. Gotta pry his jaws open (SFX). It's stuck in his throat. Gonna have to find a way to make him throw up, I guess. ---- Did you know that public radio depends on the support of pythons like yourself, and that's why I hope that, if you value this radio show, you'll go to your phone right now (PYTHON GAGGING) and give us a call, and one of our friendly volunteers will --- (PYTHON GAG, BALL DROP) thank you, very much. FORE! (GOLF SWING, FLIGHT. PAUSE. CROWD OHHHHHHHHHHH. GLASS BREAKAGE) Oh oh. (MAN HURRYING THROUGH HEAVY BRUSH. TR JAPANESE) Where'd it go, sir?
TR (JAPANESE): Right there. On glass.
GK: I thought I heard glass. Okay. I'd say this is going to be a 5 iron, no?
TR: JAPANESE
GK: Four, huh? okay. (GOLF SWING, FLIGHT. PAUSE. CROWD OHHHHHHHHHHH, EXPLOSION, SERIES OF EXPLOSIONS) Darn. There were land mines buried in the fairway. This is a tough course.
TR: JAPANESE
GK: So the rule on land mines is that I take a one-stroke penalty, right?
TR: JAPANESE
GK: Okay. (CART PULLS AWAY)--- Anyway, spring can be dangerous. You get these urges. Spring was when the Heaven's Gate people decided to go to the next level. It wouldn't have made sense to them in December or January but in March it looked like a good idea. They found some more of them this last week. They were under the kitchen sink. Behind the Comet. (CART COMES TO STOP) Is something moving in that sand trap?
TR: JAPANESE
GK: I thought I saw ripples in the sand. I think I'll try a wedge from here. Fore! (GOLF SWING, FLIGHT. PAUSE. CROWD AHHHHHHH. LIGHT CLAPPING)
GK: Thanks. Say -- not a bad shot.
TK (BUSH): Yes -- good shot, I'd say. Seen worse. Shot worse myself. No doubt about it. Reminds me of the time in Japan---- we were eating dinner once ---- Bar and I, some others, I forget who----
GK: Excuse me, sir. Sorry. ---- About a sixty foot putt, I'd say. (FOOTSTEPS) Downhill all the way. Looks like it breaks slightly to the left. (CLICK OF PUTTER. PAUSE. CROWD ANTICIPATION RISING AND THEN DISAPPOINTMENT.) Darn. A bogey.
TR (BOGART): Kind of a lousy lie you got there, if you ask me. Rolled way over there in the parking lot it looks like. Too bad for you, sweetheart.
(FOOTSTEPS ON HARD SURFACE)
(STEPS) ---- As I was saying, spring is a dangerous time of year. People marrying, people switching careers. I almost gave up radio last spring and went into folk singing but I found that before I went out to do a show I got terrible pre-minstrel tension. (STOP) Did you see a ball come this way?
TR (ROGERS): Did I see a ball come this way? Is that what you're asking me?
GK: Yes. A golf ball.
TR (ROGERS): Why would a golf ball come all the way over here when the golf course is over there? Hmmmm? Do you think that maybe the golfer made a very bad shot? Do you? Hmm?
GK: Did it roll down these basement steps here?
TR (ROGERS): Yes, I think the golf ball might have gone down those basement steps.
GK: Okay. Thanks. (WALKS DOWN STEPS. REVERB IN.) Doggone it, it's dark down here. Why doesn't somebody replace the bulb? Can't see a darned thing. (FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE, FEELING THE WAY) Can't see my hand in front of my face.
TK: Your ball is right over here.
GK: Larry??
TK: It rolled over here in the corner.
GK: Larry, what are you doing down the basement?
TK: It's underneath the washer and dryer.
GK: Larry, you left the basement, you came out, you were going to be normal, live in the sunlight, be with people---- what happened?
TK: I like it down here.
GK: Larry, it's spring. It's when the heart comes alive, we're meant to rise up to life's gorgeous possibilities --
TK: It wouldn't have worked out.
GK: Larry, it's dark down here. The human heart cannot live in darkness.
TK: I feel safe down here.
GK: Larry, sometimes wild impulse is it's own reward and great caution is its own punishment. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be too careful.
TK: I need some down time.
GK: Well, it's up to you. Larry, I'm going to move that golf ball out from under the washer and dryer, okay? And I don't want you to tell anybody, okay?
TK: Okay.
(GK EFFORT) GK: Okay. There. (FOOTSTEPS, SHORT SERIES) Pretty narrow gap there----- up the stairs and under the ceiling and out the door. Got to fade it to the left so it clears that tree there and if I get a good roll, maybe could make it to the hole. That's a toughie. (SHORT SERIES OF FOOTSTEPS BACK) Have to really punch the ball. Big swing. Might as well go for broke here. TK: You'll never make it.
GK: I think I can make it, Larry.
TK: Want to bet?
GK: Don't talk. I'm lining up my shot.
TK: You're afraid to bet, aren't you.
Because you know you can't make it.
You're going to take a big swing and that ball is going to ricochet off the ceiling beam and come right back and hit you in the throat. You'll be rushed to the operating room and you'll spend six weeks in the hospital with tubes down your throat and your voice will sound like Porky Pig. And you'll never play golf after that.
This is your last golf swing right now.
This is the last time you'll ever hold a golf club in your hand.
(BIG SWING. FLIGHT OF BALL. DISTANT CROWD AHHHHHHHHHHH. APPLAUSE)
GK: Life is good, Larry. It's spring. Don't stay away too long. (WALKS UP STEPS.) (SILVER LINING)
©1997 by Garrison Keillor