(BAND MOUTH TRUMPET FANFARE)
GK: In honor of the general election in Great Britain this past week, today we are holding an English Accent Contest on the show (TRUMPETS FANFARE) brought to you by Betty's Tea Cosy Corner in Minneapolis (TR BRIT LADY GIBBERISH) and by the Randy Rooster Pub & Grub here in St. Paul. (TK: AYE, THE PUB AND GRUB! TK GROWLS OF SATISFACTION. TR BELCH) A contest to see which of us can best summon up, in a line of poetry, the glory that is England----
TR: (INDIAN) This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle---
GK: Wrong accent!
TR: (BRIT) This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle,
This other Eden, this demi-paradise,
This precious stone set in the silver sea,
This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this
England....
GK: Our contestants will be given a few lines, and they will compete to see which one, in the opinion of the judges, is a winner (TRUMPETS) or not a winner (RASPBERRIES). And for a prize, this handsome edition of the Comedies of William Shakespeare.....our Spring English Accent contest!----
TR: (BRIT) Land of hope and glory! Mother of the free!
How shall we extol thee, who are born of thee?
GK: LET US BRACE OURSELVES TO OUR DUTIES AND SO BEAR OURSELVES THAT IF THE BRITISH EMPIRE AND ITS COMMONWEALTH SHALL LAST FOR A THOUSAND YEARS, MEN SHALL SAY; THIS WAS THEIR FINEST HOUR.
TK: Brought to you by the Randy Rooster Pub & Grub----'At's right. And our winner will also receive from the Pub & Grub a pint of warm beer and a plate of little greasy sausages and potatoes.
GK: And you the audience can join in and show your appreciation for an accent well done by saying, "Hear Hear," and shaking your wattles. Let's hear that. (AUDIENCE, ALL) Our contestants will do each line in three different English voices: a Stately Actor voice, and a low growly voice, and a high silly voice. And the lines are; O to be in England now that April's here ---. And --- Where the bee sucks, there suck I. In a cowslip I do lie. And contestant No. 1 ----
TK: O TO BE IN ENGLAND NOW THAT APRIL'S HERE (3 VOICES, IN ANY ORDER)
TR (INDIAN): That was very very good, very good indeed.
GK: And now the second line, contestant No. 2.
TK: WHERE THE BEE SUCKS, THERE SUCK I. IN A COWSLIP I DO LIE. (3 voices)
TR (INDIAN): Very well done, very good. I think that was a very worthy contestant. Very good.
GK: And the judges are holding up a ----------- and now contestant No. 2-----
SS: O TO BE IN ENGLAND NOW THAT APRIL'S HERE.
GK: No, no, no, no---
TR & TK: BRIT PROTEST AND HARRUMPHING
GK: No women allowed.
TR: No women permitted here. This is a men's affair.
TK: Women can't do accents. Put her out.
GK: Women can't do high silly voices. Take her away.
TR: OFF WITH HER HEAD. (MARCHING FEET. SS HIGH SILLY PROTESTS. WHACK OF AXE. SS GURGLING)
GK: No women, please. We're British. (TR AND TK HARRUMPHING AND ASSENTS) The rules were clear.
TR: She was a really nasty little person, wasn't she.
GK: Now---- on with it.
TK: And now....CONTESTANT NO. 2.
GK: O TO BE IN ENGLAND NOW THAT APRIL'S HERE (3 VOICES, IN ANY ORDER)
TR (PEROT): That was the best English accent I've heard all year, it's as simple as that.
TK: Second line! (REPEAT IN SERIES, FADING)
GK: WHERE THE BEE SUCKS, THERE SUCK I. IN A COWSLIP I DO LIE. (3 voices)
TR (INDIAN): Very well done, very good.
TK: And the scoring for contestant No. 2----------
GK: And now contestant no. 3, from our audience, choose any one line to do in three different voices------ (CONTESTANT ROUTINE, W. TR & TR BRIT IMPROV REACTIONS)
And contestant no. 4-----from the audience, any line----
POSSIBLE CONTESTANT 5 ----
GK: We'll continue with our English Accent Contest after this word from Earl's Academy of Accents in the Maplewood Mall. Earl-- --
TR (SWEDISH): Yeah, here at Earl's we teach, oh, I'd say about fourteen different accents, thirteen or fourteen, and you know, I'd say that the English accent is about our most popular one, wouldn't you say that, there, Inge?
TR (SWEDISH WOMAN): Oh yeah, it's English, that's for sure. Gotta be English then.
TR (SWEDISH): Yeah, we used to get more for the French, but now it's the English. Yeah.
GK: Very good. Earl's Academy of Accents in the Maplewood Mall. A good accent could be helpful to your career ---- if you're a dancer or a violinist and you happen to be from Bismarck, N.D., don't be from Bismarck, be from St. Petersburg. It'll help.
TR (RUSSIAN): I used to be from Bismarck, and now I'm from St. Petersburg. It really helped me a lot.
GK: Of course it did. If you're making a career in the food industry, you don't want a voice like this---
TR (MIDWESTERN): So howdja like that Beaujolais then, huh? That hit the spot?
GK: You want a voice like this----
TR (FRENCH): The wine, monsieur, I think you will appreciate the body, the texture, the --- the--- what do you call it--- the (FRENCH GIBBERISH)-----
GK: Or you want a voice like this-----
TR (ITALIAN): This Barolo, this is really a beautiful wine, so--- it's so--- so---- (ITALIAN GIBBERISH)----
GK: You don't want this voice.
TR: (MIDWEST) I got a Barolo, I got a Chianti, they're both real good. Real fine.
GK: And of course if you're not bright, if you have no aesthetic taste whatsoever, if you're obsessed with violence and wealth and kinky sex, but you still want to seem cultured among midwesterners, this accent will open every door----
TR (BRIT): Oh, what a pleasure to see you. Dear, dear, dear. Oh my. How thrilling. How divine.
GK: No matter what you're selling, you can get a higher price with that voice.
TR (BRIT): These are our tea cosies and they're hand-woven by vicars' wives in Lancashire.
GK: Useful for authors too.
TR (BRIT): I'd like to read a few lines from my novella, Fearsome Hove The Twilight Hour.
GK: Earl's Academy of Accents. Maybe they can help you.
TR (SWEDISH): Yeah, give us a call and we'll see what we can do.
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
GK: Continuing now with our English Accent Contest, we come to contestant no. 5.
TR: (INDIAN) O TO BE IN ENGLAND NOW THAT APRIL'S HERE
(BUZZER)
GK: Wrong accent!
TR: O TO BE IN ENGLAND NOW THAT APRIL'S HERE
(3 VOICES, IN ANY ORDER)
GK: Second line!
TR: WHERE THE BEE SUCKS, THERE SUCK I. IN A COWSLIP I DO LIE. (3 voices)
GK: And the judges decision------------- (TRUMPETS)
TK & TR & GK IMPROV BRIT OUTRAGE: Why that's an outrage! Preposterous! Highway robbery! CRIES OF "OFF WI' THEIR HEADS" (MARCHING FEET. THREE WHACKS OF AXE)
(MUSIC HALL PLAYOFF)
GK: That's all the time we have for the Spring English Accent contest brought to you by Betty's Tea Cosy Corner in Minneapolis (TR BRIT LADY GIBBERISH) and by the Randy Rooster Pub & Grub here in St. Paul. (TK: AYE, THE PUB AND GRUB! TK GROWLS OF SATISFACTION. TR BELCH).
TR & GK & TK: (SING) King George he had a date
He stayed out very late
He was the King
Queen Mary paced the floor
King George came home at four
She met him at the door.
God Save the King. (BUTTON)
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor