(MUSIC OF LIMP GENTILITY, VAGUELY new AGEY)
........If you've ever wished you could find really fresh asparagus, ready to steam and serve with butter and a little lemon, then why not pick up a phone now and call 1-800-ASPARAGUS and the fine folks at Clara and Terence Harris-O'Hara Air Express Asparagus will be glad to take your order.
SS: I'm Clara Harris and as a vegetarian, I truly cherish asparagus, especially our Polaris Hairless Asparagus, raised in the fertile prairie areas of Ontario, and shipped fresh to you by air-express in these sanitary, air-lock asparagus carriers.
GK: So each stalk of asparagus is sure to arrive at the customer's crisp and fresh----
SS: Yes, each stalk of Clara Harris O'Hara Air Express asparagus is individually chosen by me and wrapped by hand in tissue paper and inserted in these air-lock asparagus tubes, and flown anywhere in the continental United States by ten o'clock the following morning.
GK: It's Clara and Terence Harris-O'Hara Air Express Polaris Hairless Asparagus and it is guaranteed fresh ---
SS: Our policy at Clara Harris O'Hara Air Express Asparagus is that if even one stalk is less than perfect, ship it back --- Clara Harris O'Hara Air Express Asparagus will pay all shipping and handling, and we'll ship to you fifteen gallons of sorghum molasses absolutely free of charge.
GK: That's wonderful, Clara. I understand that you and your husband are the only air-express asparagus shippers in America, is that right?
SS: Actually, I am the only one.
GK: Oh.
SS: Terence and I were divorced in January.
GK: I see.
SS: Terence runs the sorghum molasses and I have the asparagus. But our names are still hyphenated ---- Harris-O'Hara --- and we're still good friends.
GK: So it's Clara Harris O'Hara Air Express Asparagus and Terence Harris O'Hara Air Express Sorghum Molasses.
SS: Exactly.
GK: The April Clara Harris O'Hara Air Express Asparagus catalogue is out now, and it's full of interesting asparagus-related gifts, as well.....
SS: We have asparagus T-shirts and tote bags, asparagus-shaped spindles and spikes, hair clasps, spare-rib spoons, spaghetti handlers, wine clarifiers, and of course various asparagus software.
GK: Speaking of wine, what sorts of wines do you recommend with asparagus, Clara?
SS: Asparagus goes well with Champagne, Asti Spumanti, or sparkling sherry.
GK: Visit Clara Harris's Asparagus Website too....at www-slash- asparagus dot com --- or join Clara in the live asparagus chat room ---
SS: See you there.
GK: Clara Harris O'Hara Air Express Asparagus and Terence Harris O'Hara Air Express Sorghum Molasses. Fresh from Ontario.
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor