..... back after this message. (LOW OMINOUS PIANO)
SS: Do you feel uneasy attending formal candlelit dinners among elegant men and women? Do you worry that you may embarrass yourself with poor grammar ---- or mispronouncing a common word - -- or committing a social faux pas --- or by a bad case of (REVERB) PBS?
TR: PBS?
SS: Personal Body Sounds.
TR: Oh.
SS: Yes, the digestive process is not always an orderly one, and so, at a formal dinner, it sometimes happens that embarrassing sounds come out of you ---- everything from rumbling and gurgling to major blasts that rattle the dinnerware. Don't let the fear of (REVERB) PBS ruin your next social event. Protect yourself with a pair of Thunderwear, the sound-absorbent undergarments that keep you absolutely silent, all evening long. That's why it's the underwear used by 9 out of 10 public speakers.
TR (PEROT): That's exactly right. Let me tell you. It's as simple as this ---- you go to these banquets and you eat the creamed chicken and mashed potatoes and you eat too fast and when you stand up there to give your speech, you got a bubble inside you big enough to sink the Bismarck, and you try to hold yourself tight so you won't blow away the head table, and that's how you wind up talking like this. That's why I use Thunderwear. It's like using a silencer. When it happens, nobody knows it was you.
SS: Remember this simple law of physics: if you are at the source, it's louder than you think it is. Time for Thunderwear. Available wherever specialty clothing is sold.
(c) 1997 by Garrison Keillor