GK: ....let's talk for a moment about your toothpaste. Did you know that if you had used up all of the toothpaste in every tube you've ever bought and not wasted any, the savings by now would have paid for a trip for two to Tahiti (BOAT WHISTLE)? That's right. Over the years, through toothpaste waste, you've gradually frittered away several weeks in this (SURF, GULLS) Pacific island paradise lying on a beach under the azure sky and eating fresh fruit and broiled fish and finding a sense of serenity so rare in today's dog eat dog world --- you lost that, all because over the years, you've thrown away tubes that still had a lot of toothpaste left in them ---- you'd be amazed to see how much: and now you can see with this Tahitian Toothpaste Press from NorGard --- tell them about it, Tim Russell.
TR: Yes, indeed, the Tahitian Toothpaste Press can save your family thousands of dollars on dentifrices, simply by placing each new toothpaste tube you buy in the Toothpaste Press Pocket and pulling the arm ---- the Toothpaste Press doles out just the exact amount of paste you need to brush your teeth ---- no sense taking a whole mouthful when a quarter-ounce will do the job ----and as the tube gets flatter and flatter, the Tahitian Toothpaste Press extrudes more and more paste, applying a force of ten-thousand pounds per square inch ---- your tube of toothpaste will continue to provide paste for up to ten or fifteen years. Only with the Tahitian Toothpaste Press from NorGard.
GK: And is the Tahitian Toothpaste Press sold in stores?
TR: No, it is not. The NorGard Toothpaste Press is sold only by our authorized Tahitian Toothpaste Press phone representatives, and in the next two hours, they'll be calling thousands of you and offering our special Prairie Home Toothpaste Press discount of fifteen percent off the list price --- so stay off the phone, wait for the call, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Yes, I want that Tahitian vacation."
GK: That's right. The use of a Toothpaste Press over the course of time will eventually send you and yours to this (SURF, GULLS) South Pacific paradise for weeks of relaxation amid scenes of such natural beauty that it may take the place of years of expensive counselling, so you save twice.
TR: What a wonderful wedding present a Tahitian Toothpaste Press would make.
GK: Exactly right. Or graduation gift.
TR: Stand by, and wait for the call from an Authorized Norgard Toothpaste Press phone representative.
GK: And we'll see you in Tahiti. (SURF, GULLS)
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor