(MUSIC)
GK: I look forward to this show all week. I hope you know that. This show, for me, is the absolute high point.....
SS: Really? This?
GK: This show is the high point of my week. You find that odd?
SS: The high point, huh?.............Well-----
GK: This show is the only social life I have ever since I made that sort of strange speech at the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra prayer breakfast a couple weeks ago.
SS: The speech where you said that America would be far better off if we took away the vote from people over sixty-five? That speech?
GK: Yes, something like that.
SS: And you said that people who keep pets are emotionally immature and are four times more likely to commit violent crimes, right? --- you mean that speech?
GK: I was on some kind of antihistamine that day, and I was feeling dizzy....
SS: That was the speech in which you said that St. Paul and Minneapolis are essentially one city, so why not merge the whole thing--- that St. Paul should merge with Minneapolis and form one city, called "St. Minneapolis" --- that speech, right?
GK: Yes. And that wasn't the worst of it.
SS: The worst was when you touched a woman sitting next to the podium---
GK: I touched her on the shoulder and I didn't ask permission, and then I reached into my pocket and---I---
SS: You pulled out a cigarette and lit it and smoked it.
GK: Yes. I smoked it.
SS: Indoors.
GK: Yes. At a prayer breakfast. Everyone from the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra was there.
SS: You smoked a cigarette in a room full of people, right after you had touched a woman without permission.
GK: I was taking this antihistamine, and one side effect is light-headedness---
SS: You violated the Minnesota Clean Indoor Air Act, and you harassed a woman, all in one morning----
GK: That was not the real me who did that.
SS: You violated the personhood of another human being, you made her into a thing. A thing.
GK: I didn't even know I had a cigarette in my pocket.
SS: You exhaled smoke, a known carcinogen, on innocent people.
GK: Well---- innocent people---- these were businessmen.
SS: You required other people to inhale smoke and you required a woman you didn't know to accept intimacy.
GK: It was one cigarette. One touch. On her shoulder.
SS: On her shoulder--- that makes it okay, huh?
GK: I'm sorry.
SS: Sorry. Oh, fine. That helps a lot, doesn't it. Two weeks later, you say you're sorry. (MUSIC CHORDS, HUMILIOSO)
GK: Ever since I touched that woman's shoulder and smoked that cigarette indoors, people have been avoiding me as if I had smallpox.
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEP)
TR (ON PHONE): Listen--- about dinner next Saturday night? Listen--- I'm sorry ---- something came up. I'll call you. Bye.
GK: I've been ostracized in this town in ways that really hurt. (TRAFFIC AMBIENCE) ---Hey?
TK: Move it, pal. We're full up.
GK: Full! You've got lots of parking spaces. Look.
TK: Those are reserved.
GK: I don't see a sign saying Reserved.
TK: They're reserved.
GK: Reserved for who?
TK: For somebody other than you, okay? Beat it.
(DEFLATION CHORD)
GK: The only person who would still talk to me in this town was my dentist, Chuck....
TR: Hi, how's it going?
GK: Not so good.
TR: Oh. Sorry to hear that. Open wide.
GK: Aren't you going to use novocaine?
TR: Naw. Don't need it.
GK: Are you sure?
TR: It's only a little root canal.
GK: What? (DRILL)
(MUSIC)
GK: If this had happened in June or July, it wouldn't have been so bad, but (WIND) to be shunned by old friends on the street (FOOTSTEPS, PASSING) in January, when we need friendship most --- she didn't even say hello. I was so depressed. Naturally I turned to alcohol, but all I could find at home was an old bottle of creme de menthe, so I drank that and when you drink a pint of creme de menthe, you feel such self-revulsion. It's so awful. And then you go to Alcoholics Anonymous and they won't take you.
TR: My name is Jim and I'm an alcoholic but I didn't drink creme de menthe.
GK: There is a separate AA group for liqueurs and it meets in Coon Rapids, in the basement of a tiny shopping mall, and I went and I was the only man there. It was all women. Women with big hair and big glasses and big dangly earrings---
SS: My name is LuAnne and I am addicted to Bailey's Irish Cream. I drink it because I am depressed over this dress which I made myself from a pattern and also my new wallpaper, which looked good in the store and then I put it up and it's so ugly, it makes my house look like a 7-11.
GK: I sat in back. I had a paper bag over my head.
SS: I drink a quart of Bailey's a day and I also abuse Swanson Frozen Turkey Dinners and Little Debbie Snack Cakes. Sometimes I pour Bailey's over the Snack Cakes and eat them with a spoon from a big pie tin as I sit and watch old movies on television.
GK: I snuck out the door and went to my car and there was a guy sitting in the front seat.
TR: Hi.
GK: What are you doing? This is my car.
TR: I need a ride.
GK: Well, go stand out on the highway and hitchhike like everybody else.
TR: I thought this would be quicker.
GK: I'm not giving you a ride.
TR: You use creme de menthe, don't you.
GK: Never mind. Which way you going? Where do you want to go? (MUSIC, HUMILIATION)
GK: I was so depressed, I tried to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, but she wouldn't see me....
SS: Busy. Bye. (HANG UP)
GK: I called six other psychiatrists and they wouldn't see me either. The closest I could get was a podiatrist.
TR: Remove your shoes, please.
GK: It's not my feet, it's my mind, I need to talk, that's all.
TR: Fine. But talk with your shoes off, okay? And your socks.
GK: (SIGH)
TR: Good. Put your foot up here. Now what's the problem?
GK: I'm depressed, because nobody will have anything to do with me because I went out of my mind, I was on this antihistamine, and I said a bunch of off-the-wall things and I impulsively touched a woman I didn't know and I smoked a cigarette indoors, and people won't let me live this down, and I've been drinking creme de menthe and having weird dreams and I feel as if my life is going to pieces.
TR: Have your toes always curled in like this? ----What sort of dreams?
GK: I dreamed that the Jolly Green Giant was really mean to me. And the Land O' Lakes Indian maiden.
TR: I see.
GK: I've loved her since I was six years old. She has the most beautiful knees. She looked straight at me and she said, "I think you eat way too much butter." That was unkind.
TR: Where'd you see them?
GK: We were all at the funeral of the Pillsbury Doughboy.
TR: He died?
GK: Of a yeast infection.
TR: That's too bad.
GK: He was a big role model for me.
TR: And it was a big funeral?
GK: There were a lot of flowers.
TR: Get out of here. I don't want to hear any more of this. You're pathetic. You disgust me. (DOOR SLAM) (HUMILIATION MUSIC)
GK: That was the low point for me. Puns. I'd avoided them all my life, but after you touch a woman you don't know and smoke indoors and abuse creme de menthe, what's left? You just keep sinking lower and lower. I'm worse than my father. He worked as a postal clerk. They'd bring him trays of letters. That was sordid.
(A BIG RIMSHOT)
GK: I'm sorry. You make a mistake, and you keep going down and down and down, lower and lower....how do you pull out of a tailspin?
TK: That's right. I know.
GK: Larry?
TK: Hi. You and I were best friends....
GK: Larry, you've come up out of the basement. You've left the basement, Larry. That's great.
TK: I don't know.
GK: You were in the basement for thirty years. Now you're out.
TK: I may go back.
GK: Congratulations. This is wonderful. What are you going to do?
TK: I don't know. I might apply for a job but I'm not so sure.
GK: What's wrong?
TK: People are staring at me, aren't they.
GK: No, no, no. But don't crouch down like that.
TK: It looks weird, doesn't it.
GK: Don't crouch down, and you'll look fine.
TK: These dark glasses look real geeky, don't they.
GK: Those are cool.
TK: And my hair, it looks funny, doesn't it.
GK: You cut it yourself, didn't you.
TK: It looks funny, doesn't it.
GK: You did a good job. Where'd you get the coat?
TK: It's dumb, isn't it.
GK: I used to have a car coat like that.
TK: It looks dumb, doesn't it.
GK: No, but it doesn't quite cover your sportcoat, see? how the sportcoat hangs down in back?
TK: It's dumb, isn't it.
GK: No, no. It's just a different look. This is great, you getting out of the basement. What job you applying for?
TK: I don't know. I think I'd like to be a host.
GK: A host.
TK: Yes. ---Can I ask you a question?
GK: Sure.
TK: This is probably a real dumb question.
GK: No, go ahead.
TK: Do guys still stand around on the corner and watch for a car coming down the street and see who can identify it first?
GK: No, they don't, Larry. Guys go and have lunch with their women friends and they listen. Guys don't try to identify cars.
TK: That's good because I can't identify any cars. None. I've been in the basement too long. The cars all look strange to me.
GK: That's okay.
TK: By the way, what are you doing sitting here all by yourself? I thought you were real popular.
GK: I was. It's just that, I'm going through kind of a rough patch right now.
TK: What happened? you get weird too?
GK: No, but I touched a woman on the shoulder and I smoked a cigarette indoors, Larry.
TK: Oh.
GK: And I did a lot of creme de menthe and now I'm thinking of going on a crime spree.
TK: Boy, you're getting weird.
GK: I always loved that term: crime spree. It sounded like fun. I always wanted to find out what it's like.
TK: You want to move into my basement?
GK: No. But thanks. Listen. Larry. Can I give you one little tiny bit of advice without---- you getting upset?
TK: Sure.
GK: Are you sure?
TK: Sure.
GK: Get rid of the moustache, Larry.
TK It looks funny?
GK: You're not a moustache guy, Larry. Some are. You're not one of them.
TK: Okay. I'm going to shave off the moustache.
GK: And if you could find a tie that's a little teeny bit wider...
TK: A wider tie.
GK: Right. Otherwise--- you look great.
TK: Thanks. Bye. (FOOTSTEPS. MUSIC. FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE. TRAFFIC AMBIENCE)
GK: I walked down the street and I thought to myself, you ought to straighten yourself out now and try to pick up what's left of your career and not go on this crime spree and bring shame on your family. And then I saw her. A nun. She was about half a block ahead of me, standing at the curb, waiting. It's getting harder to recognize nuns now that so many of them have gone undercover, but I could tell she was one by her gray scarf and the gray collar and sort of a nunnish quality about her. I've always wanted to tip over a nun and I never have, so (RAPID FOOTSTEPS) I walked up to her ---
SS: What are you doing???
GK: ---and I shoved her over (SS: Noooooooo!) and just as I did (BIG METALLIC CRASH) --- a huge air conditioner fell right on the spot where she'd been standing and it smashed to pieces.
SS: You--- you saved my life!
GK: I did?
SS: You're my guardian angel. If you hadn't pushed me, I would have been dead meat.
GK: Really?
SS: God sent you to save my life. (SHE WEEPS) (SOFTLY HEROIC MUSIC)
GK: It turned out she was St. Paul's famous Sister Stella, the Nun of the Bus Stops, who brings hot coffee and doughnuts to people on street corners, and the next thing I knew, I was a hero.
TR (TV newSMAN): Brett Brewer, Eyewitness News, here with Carson Wyler the former radio announcer --- Carson, what can you tell us about what it was that led you to push Sister Stella out of the path of the falling air conditioner, was it some kind of voice that spoke to you? how would you describe that for our Eyewitness News viewers?
GK: It was sort of a voice.
TR: Former radio personality Carson Wyler, the man who saved Sister Stella, the Nun of the Bus Stops, from death under a falling air conditioning unit, saying that it was a voice that told him to do it. Carson, one more question, if you don't mind. This is a personal question, but, I understand that you recently overcome a very serious abuse problem, that you had a $6 a day creme de menthe habit, would that be an accurate statement?
GK: It was about a $5 a day creme de menthe habit, actually.
TR: Former radio personality Carson Wyler, who kicked a major creme de menthe problem to save the Nun of the Bus Stops from death under a major appliance --- an Eyewitness News Live at Five exclusive. Brett Brewer here, and now back to you, Don and Denise----
(MUSIC AND CROWDED ROOM AMBIENCE)
GK: And the next week, the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra invited me back to their prayer breakfast to receive their Great Guy award. It was nice. I sat on the dais in my freshly dry-cleaned suit and I ate my grapefruit and my toast and scrambled eggs....
SS: You're not going to suddenly, like, touch some woman on the shoulder, are you?
GK: No, no.
SS: You're not going to whip out a cigarette and start smoking it, are you?
GK: No, I'm over that now. I'm way beyond that. I learned my lesson.
Once I lived the life of some renown
Everybody liked me in this town
People dropped flowers in my way
I had a big plate at life's buffet.
And then I began my slow descent
I discovered what suffering meant
I knew loneliness, grief and regret
All because I smoked a cigarette.
Nobody knows you
When you take a smoke
You pull out a Marlboro or even a More
They look at you and point to the door
You stand on the sidewalk and take your drag
You and the lady with the big garbage bag
I tell you young people, and it is no joke,
Nobody knows you when you take a smoke.
So don't get started.
Nobody knows you when you take a smoke.
© 1997 BY GARRISON KEILLOR