GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME), brought to you by CarLon, makers of MinTex. What do famous people do when it gets cold? Do they hire people to start their cars and shovel their walks and go get them things? Or do they go through the same things that you and I go through? Let's ask some of them. How about you, Mr. President? Are you in a warm place right now?
TR (CLINTON): Well, they're trying to make it as warm for me as they can, but I'm trying to stay cool here.
GK: Mr. President, were you invited to be the Grand Marshal of the Winter Carnival parade here in St. Paul?
TR (CLINTON): Yes, I was, and I decided to attend because, you see, I wore a stocking cap once about three years ago and it made this groove in my hair ---- it took me three haircuts before I was back to normal.
GK: So you didn't care to risk that again?
TR (CLINTON): I don't think that Americans want their President to have hat hair, no, I don't think so.
GK: Okay. Thank you very much.
TR (DOLE): This is Bob Dole, down at the condo in Florida, working on the tan, and I don't care who knows it.
GK: Okay.
TR (DOLE): Bob Dole is comfortable with who he is, and Bob Dole is warm right now.
GK: Okay. Appreciate that.
TR (PEROT): If you ask me, people who go through winter in Minnesota are missing some tuna in their hotdish. They're trying to knit with one needle. It's as simple as that. Take a look around you. Now whoever would put up with five months of that has got to have a brain like a BB in a boxcar.
GK: Have you ever been up here in January, Mr. Perot?
TR (PEROT): The day I head up there in January is the day somebody oughta check my vacuum tubes, let me tell you now. That's what I call putting the fruitcake on the fencepost after the dog has run off with the streetcar.
GK: Very good. How about you, President Bush?
TR (BUSH): Well, thinking of winter, and all that that means, the various memories --- the snow, of course, would be one --- old Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Last time I was in St. Paul, had me a couple of those hot brandies --- my, those are tasty things --- had me two of those puppies and I started talking about foreign policy, it about scared people to death. So---- I stay down here around the pool. Got the chaise longue. Got the binocs right here. Fifteen power. Nice and sharp. Clear. Oh my. Oh goodness yes. Oh boy.
GK: Thank you, Mr. President. How about you, Julia? You going to attend our Winter Carnival this year?
TR (JULIA): Oh, I'd love to attend your Winter Carnival but they asked me not to attend.
GK: They asked you not to come?
TR (JULIA): Well, it's my new cookbook, it's rather controversial.
GK: I see.
TR (JULIA): I included a number of chickadee recipes in it.
GK: Uh huh.
TR (JULIA): There is something absolutely so delicious about chickadees, but you have to have an open mind, you know.
GK: I see.
TR (JULIA): It's like, some people won't eat a stew if there's cat meat in it.
GK: Thank you. Ted Koppel, how about you? you ever come up here for winter?
TR (KOPPEL): There are a great many people, and let's be frank about this, who feel a deep discontent with winter and a feeling that, no matter what else one might say, winter is something we should put behind us, and we'd just plain rather not hear about it, although I know that many people will disagree with that, and having said it, I think that, in a sense, I disagree with it myself, so I'm not sure why I said it, but I did.
GK: I see. Thank you. Mr. Rogers? Why are you not participating in the Winter Carnival parade?
TR (ROGERS): Why am I not in the Winter Carnival parade? Is that what you'd like to know? Is it? Well, do you know what the word "depressing" means? Do you? Well, when Mr. Rogers is in a parade when it's cold outside, there are hundreds of children and they all run up to Mr. Rogers and throw their arms around him. Yes, they do. And the noses of all of these children are full of mucous. Do you know what mucous is? Do you? Did you think it was something to eat? Well, it's snot. So when Mr. Rogers goes back to his hotel room, and he looks down at the front of his sweater, Mr. Rogers thinks, "I will never go to St. Paul again." Yes, he does.
GK: He does go to St. Paul again?---
TR (ROGERS): Is that what I meant?
GK: I'm sorry.
TR (ROGERS): Do you think that's what I meant?
GK: I guess not.
TR (ROGERS): You are extremely rude.
GK: I apologize.
TR (ROGERS): And what's more, I think you should take your finger and go across your nose like this----
GK: That's all the time we have today (THEME) for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarCon, makers of DelRay. (OUT)
© 1997 BY GARRISON KEILLOR