....If your life has been bringing you bad news, turn to Varnish, Curry, Burnish and Shine, public relations. They keep bad things away.

TR: How are my kids?

SS: Your kids are great, don't worry about your kids, they're great kids, all of them.

TR: I'm worried about Jack. He's in prison.

SS: He's not in prison. He's in a program. It's a program. A remedial education and behavior modification program.

TR: But there are bars on the windows.

SS: Those are reinforcing bars, to keep the windows from collapsing.

TR: What about Danny? He's engaged to that terrible woman. I can't stand to be in the same room with her. She's so whiny, so manipulative.

SS: She has many wonderful qualities that only time will reveal.

TR: And Debbie is dating that dork who goes around with his cap on backwards.

SS: Someday that dork will be the father of your beautiful grandchildren.

TR: I can't think of another time in my life when everything has looked so hopeless as it does now. And that's the truth.

SS: Things have never looked better for you than they do. You have a wonderful life and it's only going to get better.

TR: Every day I go to work expecting them to fire me.

SS: They admire you at work. Your boss adores you. He doesn't dare show it because he's so insecure himself, but your boss looks up to you.

TR: They all laugh at my terrible toupee.

SS: What toupee?

TR: You didn't know that this is 100% nylon?

SS: It's your hair. Isn't it?

TR: You really thought this is my natural hair? Really?

...When you need to be lied to, call Varnish, Curry, Burnish, and Shine, public relations.

© 1996 BY GARRISON KEILLOR