(MUSIC)
Our sound-effects man, Mr. Tom Keith, celebrated a big birthday a week ago.
TK: That's right.
It was almost too big a birthday for him at first. (DIALING ROTARY PHONE) He stood in the steam room of his mansion, Foxcroft, where he had just whipped Bjorn Borg (SWEDISH WEEPING) in three sets, 6-2, 6-1, 6-0, and he phoned his travel agent, Sid. (TK: Sid, get me on a flight to Bogota tonight, okay? No? How about Barbados? Oh. I see. Bimini? Oh. Well, thanks. HANG UP) (STEAM) He wanted to get out of town because he was afraid that his friends might throw a surprise f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f---
TK: F--- what?
GK: You're not f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f?
TK: Forty?
GK: You're not forty?
TK: Do I look forty?
GK: Well....
TK: Do I?
GK: He was afraid his friends might throw a surprise thirtieth birthday party for him. In fact, he had trained his dog Dave to attack anyone who sang the word "Happy" (DOG SNARL). It's dramatic for a man, turning f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f (GUNSHOT) thirty. Even one who has everything he wants, such as Tom. He and his dog (DOG) Dave and his elk (ELK) Earl and his orangutan (ORANGUTAN) Orville live there at Foxcroft, a paradise of gardens and a game preserve where peacocks (SHRILL BIRD CRIES) and herons (SFX) wander among the hedges and a beautiful pool where Tom swims (BOARD SPROING, AND SPLASH) every day with his dolphin, Darrell (DOLPHIN). Tom prefers the companionship of animals because they understand. Especially Darrell does. (DOLPHIN) But on his birthday, Tom needed to get away. He got into his Ferrari (CAR ACCEL, THROUGH GEARS) and he raced at tremendous speed along the twisting mountain road (CORNERING) to the village of St. Julien where he strapped on his skis and rode the lift to the top and went down the hundred meter ski jump (SKIING DOWN), attempting to set a new record for thirty-year-old men (SKI OFF END, FLIGHT) --- it's typical of men reaching important landmarks in their lives to perform acts of great bravado (LANDS AND SKIS), and so, later that day, he walked out onstage and played the Paganini Caprices though he hadn't held a violin in twenty years, not since he was a tiny child. (VIOLIN) And later he got in a blazing gunfight with a guy named Ernie. (GUNFIRE) After which he bungee-jumped from a helicopter (CHOPPER, FALL, BOING) over the Grand Canyon, and finally, though he had never flown a plane before, (JET TAKE-OFF) he rented a 747 and flew it solo to the tiny Caribbean island of Aruba where he landed safely on a grass landing strip the length of a football field. (JET LANDING, BRAKING) He climbed out (DOOR CREAKING, FOOTSTEPS ON METAL LADDER) and walked down toward the surf (SURF) where the sun was just setting into the turquoise sea. Just then (WOOFS), he heard a dog bark --- it was Dave along with Earl (ELK) and Orville (ORANG) and there too, wearing a wet suit, was Darrell (DOLPHIN) who carried a tray in his flippers, holding a cake, a cake with twenty candles. Twenty may be a crisis for some men, but not for Tom. Twenty is only the beginning. Just then, a woman walked out of the surf and came toward them (TK: Oh.....My gosh.) (FLIPPERS APPROACH), she was wearing scuba gear (SCUBA BREATHING) and very little else. She took Tom by the hand (TK: Hi....) and led him toward the sea, (CRASH OF SURF, FOOTSTEPS AWAY) the wild wild sea, but that's another story. Happy birthday. (PIANO HAPPY BIRTHDAY)
© 1996 BY GARRISON KEILLOR