GK:.....brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
You've invited fourteen people over for dinner on Saturday night and you've gotten a very good wine (TR: Give me the $8 bottle. What the heck.) and you've even hired entertainment --- a magician, The Amazing Marvin (TR: Fifteen bucks. Hope he's good.) --- because it's the last weekend before Election Day and you know people are going to be in a rotten mood. (TV AUDIO) Months of listening to attack commercials, months of charges and countercharges. And sure enough (SURLY VOICES COMING IN) the guests arrive looking mean and angry. (SS SURLINESS) Your liberal sister-in-law is there, her sweater covered with buttons, and your brother is there (TR SURLINESS) with pictures of human fetuses taped to his forehead. And your uncle is there (TK GROWLY SURLINESS), who thinks the government is putting estrogen into the drinking water, and you try to welcome them all (TR: Okay. Party time. Okay? Loosen up. Whaddaya say?) and you pour them big drinks (POURING, ICE CUBES) and you try to steer the conversation away from politics (TR: Boy, did you see that sky this morning? Wasn't that something? Huh? Blue sky. Not every day you see one of those, huh?) And suddenly your wife jumps up in tears (SS: I don't know how you can sit here and have a good time when there are people going hungry in this country!) ---- time to go in (FOOTSTEPS) and put the rib roast into the oven (CLATTER, OVEN DOOR SLAM --- TR: There we go. Turn it on Broil....High. WHOOSH OF FLAME IN OVEN) and you whip those potatoes (MIXER, ACCELERATING) and you toss that salad (TR: Whoooopeeee! TOSS Whoooopeeee. TOSS) and then (PHONE RING, PICKUP. TR: Yeah?) --- it's the magician, Amazing Marvin (TR: What? You can't come??) (VOICE AT OTHER END) --- but he's sending his brother, The Amazing Chuck and His Flying Spaniels --- (TR: Well. Okay.) and you're just about to check the rib roast when (ANGRY VOICES, OFF. CRASHES. GLASS BREAKAGE) you hear a fight breaking out in the living room and your teenage son comes in (TK: Dad? They're throwing things.) and you go in and your brother is hurling (TR MUTTERS, THROWS, CRASHES AND CLUNKS) tchotchkes at your sister-in-law and meanwhile your uncle (TK SNARLING) has your aunt in a headlock (SS: Help. Help.) And you step into the room and you raise your hands. (TR: LISTEN. WE'RE ALL AMERICANS HERE. LET'S GET A GRIP ON OURSELVES, PEOPLE.) And just then (DOORBELL) it's The Amazing Chuck and His Flying Spaniels (TK: Hi! DOGS BARKING) and he goes into his act and it's pretty good (TK: Up! CHORUS OF BARKS. TK: Over! CHORUS OF BARKS) and people look at each other and smile. People shake hands. (MURMURS AND LAUGHTER) And just then (TR SNIFFS. TR: Oh no.) Smoke. It's your dinner. In the oven. (TR PANIC. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. RUNNING. OPEN OVEN DOOR. TR CHOKING COUGHS.) The kitchen is full of smoke. (CRACKLING FIRE) Flames are licking at the ceiling. (FIRE ALARM BEEPS) The alarm goes off and (PANICKY CRIES, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) everybody heads for the door just as the fire department pulls up (SIREN COME IN. TRUCK. GUY SHOUTS. TK: Stand aside. Everybody back. MARCHING FEET. TK: Outta the way. Excuse me. Coming through.) And they turn their hose on your kitchen. (SUDDEN HIGH PRESSURE BARRAGE OF WATER, GLASS BREAKAGE, CLATTER) And the fire's out. (TR: Thanks for coming so fast.) (TK: You're welcome. That'll be four thousand dollars. TR: What? TK: This is River Terrace. We're the Forest Heights Fire Department. TR: River Terrace doesn't have a fire department? TK: Nope. Budget cutting thing. They contract with us for fire fighting. And we bill you. TR: What? TR: Four thousand. Cashier's check only. I'll wait in the truck. (FOOTSTEPS OFF) (RHUBARB THEME) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie. Yes, nothing takes the taste of shame and defeat out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
But one little thing can revive a guy, And that is home-made rhubarb pie. Serve it up, nice and hot. Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
DUET: Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb, Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb, Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
©1996 GARRISON KEILLOR