GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME) brought to you by ArgFam makers of BarLek. Next week is Halloween, a big time for famous people, when they're able to disguise themselves and go around in public as if they were ordinary. Let's see what they're planning to wear. Mr. President...let's start with you.
TR (CLINTON): Halloween is a very important time, a time when Americans go around and visit their neighbors --- it's a holiday that's really about interconnectedness.
GK: Good. What are you planning to wear this year?
TR (CLINTON): Well, last year Hillary and I went around dressed as endomorphins.
GK: Endomorphins. Right.
TR (CLINTON): Most people have never seen endomorphins, however, so people took us for a couple of dolphins.
GK: I see.
TR (CLINTON): So this year I'm going to wear this helmet of hair and go as Newt Gingrich.
GK: Okay.
TR (CLINTON): Stuff tissue in my cheeks and wave my hands and talk real fast in a high monotone voice.
GK: Pretty scary.
TR (CLINTON): Go from door to door and grab old lady's purses and take away their Medicare cards.
GK: Good night for that. How 'bout you, Senator Dole?
TR (DOLE): Former Senator.
GK: I'm sorry. I keep forgetting...
TR (DOLE): Just another outraged private citizen now. Can't believe what's going on. Did you know that there are candidates who raise whole big sums of cash that they get from rich people? Bob Dole found that out, Bob Dole was shocked.
GK: So what are you up to on Halloween, sir.
TR (DOLE): Well, last year Bob Dole didn't wear a Halloween costume. People thought I did but I didn't.
GK: How about this year?
TR (DOLE) Got it right here. Birkenstock sandals, tweed jacket with leather patches, and a dirty T-shirt that says, "Laboratory Animals Never Have A Nice Day."
GK: I see.
TR (DOLE): I'm a LIBERAL! Scary, huh? I'm driving from house to house in a beat-up Volvo...
GK: Thank you, Sir.....Mr. Perot? Your Halloween costume?
TR (PEROT): Halloween is what they've got every day in Washington. Running up the bills....deficit getting bigger...it's like locking up your crazy grandmother in the basement of your house with a chainsaw.
GK: So you're going out on Halloween as...
TR (PEROT): Granny with a chainsaw.
GK: Sounds good.
TR (PEROT): Go door to door with my flow charts and give em a personal Info-Mercial.
GK: That is scary...President Bush? How about your Halloween costume?
TR (BUSH): Love Halloween. Crazy...kooky...altogether ooky. Jack-o-lanterns on the doorstep. Got to have a costume, of course. Wouldn't be Halloween without it. Got me a scary one. A real do-do producer, I'll tell ya. Big hairy eyeballs. Fangs. Rotting flesh. The whole bit. Put out apple cider for the grandkids, and a few big ol' pumpkin Daiquiris for yours truly. Yes sir. Very tasty. Four of those and everybody's in disguise!
GK: Okay. How about you, Mr. Kissinger? Halloween?
TR (KISSINGER): I plan to go as Ted Koppel.
GK: I see. How do you feel about that, Mr. Koppel?
TR (KOPPEL): I feel that Halloween is a time when, more than anything else, the nature of who we are and what we look like and the nature of illusion itself, is, if not, in doubt, then very much a matter of speculation, and I say this as someone who has been sitting for many years under a very heavy load of hair that has cut off the circulation of blood to my brain.
GK: Okay. You lie down for a moment. Julia Child, how about you? Are you dressing up for Halloween?
TR (JULIA): Oh, my yes. Halloween is a time when we have a chance to be something truly unique....and so this year I'm going to bake myself inside a ten-foot popover.
GK: I see.
TR (JULIA): First, I lie down on the dough like this (OFF) --- there we are ---- and now I simply roll over six or seven times (MORE AND MORE MUFFLED) until I am completely encased in the dough, and now will someone please pick me up and put me in the oven?
GK: I can't understand what you're saying, Julia. Mr. Rogers...what's your plan for Halloween?
TR (ROGERS): Well, Halloween is a very special time of year in my neighborhood. Did you know that? Did you?
GK: Yes I did.
TR (ROGERS): You don't live in my neighborhood...
GK: I'm sorry...
TR (ROGERS): Mr. Rogers isn't talking to you, is he? No, he's not. Mr. Rogers is not even looking at you. Mr. Rogers has dropped you like a bad habit...Halloween is a very special time when boys and girls dress up like scary monsters, don't they. Yes, they do. Do you know what a monster is? Do you? Well, there are pretend monsters and there are real monsters. And a real monster is a boy or girl who leaves a paper sack with you know what in it on Mr. Rogers' front step and lights it on fire. That's a very bad monster. And children who throw toilet paper up in Mr. Rogers trees. Those are bad monsters too. But those monsters, they go away and they never come back. No, they don't. Do you know what happens to them? Do you? Did you ever stop to wonder what Mr. Rogers' sweater is made of? Did you? See how soft it is?
GK: Thank you, Mr. Rogers. (THEME) That's all the time we have for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarGel, makers of DioFan.
©1996 by Garrison Keillor and Rich Procter