GK: If you're thinking about writing a book someday, and who isn't, you should know that it's never too early to start planning your book tour --- and you can start now, with this wonderful book by Page Turner, "What You Need To Know Now About Book Tours" ---- it's a great book, Page.
CF: Thanks. A lot of authors think that all you need to sell books is to get great reviews and have phrases from them reprinted in advertisements.
TR (ECHO): A poignant memoir of a troubled childhood set against the background of a world torn by war.....riveting...masterful... grammatical.
CF: But it's not enough. You need to tour. You need to get out there and do those radio and tv talk shows.
TK: Let me ask you this ---- I'm curious --- do you drink coffee when you write?
CF: Yes.
TK: Do you take it black or with cream?
CF: With cream.
TK: With cream?
CF: Actually milk.
TK: Two percent?
CF: Skim.
TK: How about sugar?
CF: No.
TK: I see. (FADING) Well thank you. That's all the time we have....join us tomorrow when John Grisham will be our guest here on....(MUSIC)
CF: You do that ten times a day in forty or fifty cities across America, and you've got yourself a best-seller. And if you've got a best-seller, then you've got a movie deal.
TR: It's great, I loved it, I tell you, my hair was on the edge of its seat! It was like Twister meets Forrest Gump. It's poignant, it's troubled, it's dynamite. Put in a couple dinosaurs and some babes in bikinis and we've got ourselves a movie.
CF: And you take the money and now you've got time to write the book you really wanted to write, the sensitive story of a young man's coming of age in a small town in the Midwest.
GK: Good luck, Page Turner. Author of the new best seller, "What You Need to Know Now About Book Tours" ---
CF: There's also a chapter on how to lose fifty pounds while touring and there's also a lot about sexual fulfilment.
GK: About sexual fulfilment.
CF: About sexual fulfilment.
GK: In your book?
CF: A chapter about sexual fulfilment.
GK: I see. And it's called---
CF: The chapter is called "Fulfilling Yourself Sexually"
GK: Good. Okay. Page Turner, author of "What You Need to Know Now About Book Tours" (MUSICAL PLAYOFF)
©1996 BY GARRISON KEILLOR