(MUSIC)
You've got to call
Your local station.
You've got to call it by yourself.
Nobody else
Can call it for you.
You've got to call your local station by yourself.
GK: We're talking to the man who holds the world record for resisting appeals for donations. Mr. Daryl Dark.
TR (OLD GUY): That's right. Never gave to any of em.
GK: How old are you, Mr. Dark?
TR: Eight hundred and forty. I think I'd like to sit down.
GK: And you've brought with you some---- what are these? --- I can't read this here.
TR: Those are runes.
GK: Runes.
TR: Yes, runes. Ancient writing and it says, "We are still several thousand shekels short of what we need to send an expedition to the New World, so please give---- donations of sheep and goats welcome."
GK: And you didn't donate?
TR: Uh uh. Eric and Leif and Hjalmar and them, they went in the boats and two years later they came back with some rocks. Big deal.
GK: And you wouldn't donate to this?
TR: Nothing. Never believed in that way of raising money.
GK: I see.
TR: Brute force works better. If you want money from people, you got to smite em. Hit em over the head with clubs and then go around and pillage until you meet your funding goals. That's what we did.
GK: Okay.
TR: I've listened to some of your membership drives on public radio, and believe me, pillaging is more merciful.
GK: Now wait a minute.
TR: I'm opposed to torture. You want money from me, hit me over the head. Hard.
GK: Okay. (KONK) (TR FALL)
Mama's got to call
Her local station.
She's got to call it by herself.
Nobody else
Can call it for her.
She's got to call her local station by herself.
GK: Let's talk to some animals now about public radio membership. (PIG TALK). This pig listens regularly (PIG). He says that public radio membership is much higher among pigs than among horses, so that answers the question of who is smarter. (HORSE WHINNY) Okay, you go ahead. (HORSE TALK) He feels that maybe pigs are better at getting to the root of things but horses have better social skills. How about you? (CAT TALK) She thinks that the concept of individual intelligence is (CAT CONTINUES) irrelevant to the world of animals. (CHICKEN TALK) The chicken agrees: animal life is communal, its centered on the species, not the individual (CHICKEN CONTINUES) --- "So long as a chicken exists, then I exist. I am chicken, therefore I am." --- (CHICKEN CONTINUES, IMPASSIONED). Intelligence measures individual performance against a mean --- its a humanist concept, not an animalist one... all right. Next? (ELK GREETING) Mr. Elk? (VERY SLOW ELK TALK) Intelligence is ....a viable concept....that ultimately measures the ability to survive....the crucial question for all species... (PIGEON) -- Yes? Go ahead? (PIGEON) -- That's why it's so important for people to join public radio -- (PIGEON) and if they don't, I hope they don't plan to park their cars outdoors -- (PIGEONS) we pigeons can read bumper stickers too -- okay. Thank you.
Papa's got to call
His local station.
He's got to call it by himself.
Nobody else
Can call it for him.
He's got to call his local station by himself.
Sister's got to call
Her local station.
She's got to call it by herself.
Nobody else
Can call it for her.
She's got to call her local station by herself.
Bubba's got to call
His local station.
He's got to call it by himself.
Nobody else
Can call it for him.
He's got to call his local station by himself
TR: (HIPSTER) Last year, I was, like, listening to the radio and they were, you know, like, talking about membership and I reached for the phone and, like it wasn't the phone -- y'know? it was like, the hot water knob in the shower -- I was, like, in the shower? and I turn off the hot water -- y'know? it was one of those near-death experiences, I traveled up that white light -- I saw the aura, man -- I saw that this fantasy we call quote "reality" un-quote is really a spiritual miasma of materialism that keeps us bound in lonely, terrified despair --- but then, our oneness with the Universe. But then, I mean, like, I didn't wasn't sure if we are, like, helpless macro-organisms cast adrift in a meaningless void, or if we are clouds of shining stardust living out a cosmic adventure to achieve a final bonding with the Cosmic Creator Father/Mother Force Beyond All-Knowing.
GK: I see. Did you call in to make a membership pledge?
TR: Well, if this is all, like, some big existential joke, what's the point?
GK: No, it's not.
TR: It's not?
GK: No, we've ...ah...clouds of stardust, cosmic adventure, ultimate oneness, all that stuff you mentioned earlier.
TR: So you, like, actually KNOW? Whoa, you are, like, Enlightened? One?
GK: Trust me. I was Carl Jung in a past life. So how 'bout making a membership pledge?
TR: Love to! Except I left my checkbook back at the Juice Bar...
GK: It's always something...
You've got to call
Your local station.
You've got to call it by yourself.
Nobody else
Can call it for you.
You've got to call your local station by yourself.
©1996 by Garrison Keillor and Rich Procter