GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME)....brought to you by MarTek, makers of BioFam....All across the country, it's the fall public radio fundraising drive when we take hold of the ankles of our fellow Americans and shake them until they become contributing members of their local public radio station. But let's not only put the bite on the rank and file listener, let's ask famous people to do their part too. Mr. President, let's start with you. What do you say?
TR (CLINTON): Well, uh, first of all, I believe that public Radio is an important off-ramp in our bridge to the 21st Century and as such I look forward to becoming a member in the very near future.
GK: Good. Which level of membership, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): Well, what kind of premiums you all offering down there?
GK: Well, at the hundred dollar level, we're going to offer to come to your house and collect all of the premiums we've sent you in the past and take them off your hands.
TR (CLINTON): That'd be nice. We got about a hundred tote bags here and I don't know how many coffee cups and T-shirts.
GK: We'll be over sometime early next week, sir.
TR (CLINTON): Good. Bring a truck.
GK: We will. Senator Dole, how do you feel about Public Radio?
TR (DOLE): Former Senator...
GK: Sorry.
TR (DOLE): Just Sunflower Bob, the Kansas Kid, now. Just another private citizen.
GK: Right. What's your feeling about public radio membership, sir?
TR (DOLE): Well, I know and you know that Public Radio is just another big-ticket boondoggle created by these tree-hugging, never-met-a-payroll, whimpering, air-bag beansprout Bolsheviks like Comrade Bozo over there, so if you're waiting for a contribution from Bob Dole, I hope you got yourself a comfortable chair.
GK: Okay, thank you for that comment, sir.
TR (DOLE): Don't know why we need Public Radios in the first place. I tell you, back where Bob Dole comes from, back in Kansas, we earned our radios. Nobody ever handed Bob Dole a radio, Bob Dole had to work for his radio. Had to work for his radio. Work for it. Work for it.
GK: I see...
TR (DOLE) When Bob Dole is President, we catch you with a Public Radio, you're gonna get strapped into Ol Sparky and sent to a better place.
GK: Okay. Appreciate your candor, sir. How about you, Mr. Perot? How do you feel about Public Radio?
TR (PEROT): Public Radio is just one more example of the "Hand Full O' Gimme, Mouth Full O' Much Obliged" mentality that's leading this country down the garden path to rack and ruin. Now strictly as a public service, I tried to buy up all the programming on every Public Radio Station in America for the next three weeks to get my message out. They said no. Well, friends, that giant suckin' sound you hear is American horse sense on its way to Mexico, where it's going to be ground to a pulp, re-packaged and sold back to us at twice the price.
GK: Okay, sir. Thank you very much.
TR (PEROT): Now I know what America is sayin', okay? They're saying Ol' Ross is missin' a couple of spots on his dice, but John Q. Public can put this in his pipe and smoke it. If Ol' Ross tells you a rooster can pull a railroad train, you better get on board, and I'm tellin' the American people that we can get there from here, even though I personally am goin' to start investigating myself for sabotaging my own campaign....
GK: I see. Mr. President down in Texas, how about you? Can we interest you in public radio membership?
TR (BUSH): Got it on right now, there in the background. Classical music, good for the ol' noodle. Nothin like it. Symphonies or fugues or sonatas, all that --- music of the ages, the classics, and I tell you, it's when you can stand the test of time. Yes, sir. Kinda think of radio as a friend. So often I'm here, alone. Bar is upstairs. I'm listening. Like now. Something on the radio. And I think to myself, you know: what's the name of that? And then an announcer comes on and tells you. People used to do that for me in the White House. Point to something. They'd say: that's a supermarket checkout scanner, Mr. President. Kinda miss that now. What were you asking me?
GK: That's fine. Thank you, sir. How about you, Julia Child? Can we interest you in a public radio membership?
TR (JULIA CHILD): I love public broadcasting. If it weren't for public broadcasting, I'd be stuck in some run-down bed and breakfast baking banana bran muffins for people on their way to see Wayne Newton in Branson Missouri. But I never listen to public radio anymore...
GK: You don't listen to public radio?
TR (Julia Child): No, no, no, no, no. No, when you're making a hearty Gratine of Sauteed Scallops Provencale, you want acid rock on the radio.
GK: Acid rock?
TR (Julia Child): Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, anything with 35-minute guitar solos..."Dark Star" by the Grateful Dead, I've made many a Kiwi Truffle to that tune. Oh yes.
GK: Thanks, Julia. Arnold Schwartznegger, what do you think of public radio?
TR (ARNOLD): Public radio is for people who go to movie theaters and stand around in the lobby drinking cappucino and talking about moral ambiguity. You think I care about that?
GK: Evidently not. Sorry. How about you, Mr. Rogers? What do you think of public radio?
TR (ROGERS): You want to know what I think of Public Radio? Do you? Well, I never get to listen to Public Radio, because I'm so busy doing Public Television. Did you know that many children enjoy my program on Public Television? Did you?
GK: Actually, yes, I did know that...
TR (ROGERS): I wasn't asking you, was I.
GK: Sorry.
TR (ROGERS): Do you know what "rhetorical question" means? Do you?
GK: Yes, actually I do...
TR (ROGERS): Shut up.
GK: Sorry.
TR (ROGERS): There are many millions of children who think of Mr. Rogers as the kindest, nicest person in the world. And someday, these children are going to grow up and be able to vote, and then they're going to repay Mr. Rogers for talking nicely to them and they'll make Mr. Rogers the unquestioned leader of a totalitarian, one-world government based here in Pittsburgh.
(PAUSE)
Perhaps Mr. Rogers has said too much....
GK: That's all the time we have today....(THEME)...for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarCon, makers of DelRay.
©1996 BY GARRISON KEILLOR