GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME), brought to you by MarDel, makers of CoNex. This weekend is the first big debate of the 96 presidential election campaign --- and what sorts of snacks and beverages will listeners choose? Popcorn? Ice cream? Chocolates? Buffalo wings? What do famous people do? Let's start with you, Mr. President, are you going to have some snacks for tomorrow night's debate?
TR (CLINTON): Well, tomorrow is when I share with America my vision for a second term, for building that bridge to the 21st century, and so I'm going to bring with me a bag of trail mix, including granola, honey roasted peanuts, raisins, dried apricots and prunes, sunflower seeds, and french fries.
GK: I see. And what is that vision of a second term that you're going to share with us?
TR (CLINTON): Well, one thing is -- we're putting more green plants into our classrooms all across America. We've already put more than a million begonias into our schools.
GK: I didn't know that.
TR (CLINTON): We going to do some new things with buses and stuff. Transit. Things about literacy and all that.
GK: I see.
TR (CLINTON): And we're going to do something for our nation's villages.
GK: Good. Thank you, Mr. President. How about you, Senator Dole?
TR (DOLE): Former Senator.
GK: Right.
TR (DOLE) Not a Senator anymore. I'm just another Bob.
GK: Uh huh. What's your plan for snacks or beverages for the debate, sir?
TR (DOLE) Bob Dole's plan is to work the word Úquot;liberalÚquot; into the debate at least 273 times. See if that works.
GK: You sound a little frustrated.
TR (DOLE): Sure, Bob Dole's frustrated. You ever try to engage somebody like Clinton on the issues? It's like trying to nail Jello to a wall.
GK: You going to have some jello for the debate, then?
TR (DOLE): Whatever.
GK: Okay. How about you, Mr. Perot? What's your plan for the debate?
TR (PEROT): Listen. Havin' a Presidential debate without yours truly is like trying to make a baby by getting nine women pregnant for a month! Can't happen! Yore gonna get Tweeledum and Tweedledumber up there, and it's just like trying to teach a pig to sing! It wastes your time and annoys the pig!
GK: You're going to be eating pork tomorrow?
TR (PEROT): No sir, I'm going to buy up every commercial minute on every two-bit station in this country, and I'm going to debate myself -- if I'll agree to my own terms, which I may not, because I may be trying to put one over on myself, you just can't be too careful.
GK: Very good. Thank you. Ted Koppel, what will you be serving on debate night?
TR (KOPPEL): It's a night that may define a generation FOR a generation, the night when the politicians stop pandering, the spinners stop spinning, the pundits stop pontificating, Miss Liberty holds her breath, and for ninety minutes, a nation watches...
GK: Mr. Koppel, snacks....
TR (KOPPEL): In a spirit of full disclosure, let me say that I personally will be spending the evening watching the Monster Truck Pull Finals on the Nashville Network.
GK: Really?
TR (KOPPEL): It's a side of me the public may not know, the Ted Koppel who wears a blue jumpsuit and drinks a Budweiser and smashes the empty beer can on his forehead.
GK: Okay, that's all the time we have.....sorry, Mr. Rogers, didn't get to you.....
TR (ROGERS): That's all right.
GK: Got to run.
TR (ROGERS): I didn't want to talk to you anyway.
GK: That's all the time we have (THEME) for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarCon, makers of DelRay. (OUT)
©1996 by Garrison Keillor