GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME)....brought to you by ConAm, makers of RayVon....The 4th of July is coming up, that time every year when Americans exercise the right that is precious to a free people to not think about politics at all. If this were a totalitarian country, there would be huge parades on the 4th of July and long speeches about freedom and everybody would attend, but because this is a free country, we spend the day grilling things on the barbecue instead and arguing about whether they're done or not. Let's ask some famous people to have a look. Mr. President, let's start with you. Would you say that these hamburgers are done?
TR (CLINTON): Well, uh, first of all, I just want to say that you're doing an excellent job there and I think that if you and I can just work together on these hamburgers, and keep sight of our common goal, that in the end, we're going to come out all right.
GK: Do you think we've reached our goal?
TR (CLINTON): No, I don't.
GK: Okay. Thank you.
TR (CLINTON): There's still red stuff coming out of them.
GK: Thank you, Mr. President. Mr. Dole---- former Senator Dole ---- do you think these hamburgers are done?
TR (DOLE): Well, I'll tell you this ---- Bob Dole has stood over many a barbecue grill and Bob Dole has taken the heat and stayed the course and not caved in just because of a little smoke and fire and that's why when the American people speak in November, I believe they will hand the fork and spatula to Bob Dole.
GK: I see. Sounds like you've burned a lot of burgers, Senator.
TR (DOLE): Not a Senator. Just plain Bob Dole now.
GK: Sorry.
TR (DOLE): Washington is just a dim memory.
GK: I see. How about you, President Bush?
TR (BUSH): Well, we're talking hamburgers now, we're talking buns and ketchup ---- got to include that onion too ---- so important --- American institution, hamburgers ---- right up there---- y'ever eat em in Europe, you know ---- French people can't make a hamburger, no sir ---- Japanese either --- no sir ---- I was eating a hamburger in Japan once ---- boy, I'll never do that again ---- no, sir ---
GK: Thank you, Mr. President. What about you, Mr. Perot? You think these hamburgers are done?
TR (PEROT): Look. It's as simple as this. Those hamburgers are about as done as there are nipples on a bull.
GK: Okay.
TR (PEROT): That's what I call giving the dog a bath after the lake is frozen.
GK: Uh huh. Let me think about that. Thank you. Julia? Any idea when these hamburgers may be done?
TR (JULIA): Oh goodness, they were done the moment you took the plastic off them. Oh my yes.
GK: So you like them raw?
TR (JULIA): With chopped onions and a lot of fresh ground pepper and raw egg with a glass of corn liquor while you're going sixty miles an hour standing up on your bike.
GK: A bicycle?
TR (JULIA): A Harley, honey.
GK: Okay. Enjoy. Jack Nicholson? Any thoughts on whether these are done yet?
TR (NICHOLSON): I'd like one hamburger. Dark red in the middle and black and hard on the outside. With a slice of raw onion three-quarters of an inch thick. Ketchup on top of the onion. On a sesame seed Kaiser roll, cut in half, and a Budweiser. Cold. In a can. Okay?
GK: Okay, Jack. Ted Koppel--- this hamburger --- you think it's done? you think we should leave it on longer?
TR (KOPPEL): I think that that hamburger may be a good deal closer to being done than many people think, and I include myself in that, and I think we're going to be seeing it get more and more done as time goes on, and we may very well come to a point where we're going to wish, and I say this as a journalist and also as a man with dramatic hair, that we had stopped the process of grilling a little bit earlier than it will turn out that we actually do. GK: I see. Mr. Rogers, you think these burgers are done?
TR (ROGERS): Are the hamburgers done? Is that what you want to know?
GK: Yes.
TR (ROGERS): Don't answer my questions.
GK: I'm sorry.
TR (ROGERS): I answer my questions. Not you. I do. Okay? Good. One way to know that hamburgers are done is when we look down at the grill and see smoke come up from the hamburgers. Do you see the smoke? Do you? You do? Do you see the flames too? Yes, I think these hamburgers are very done. I think these hamburgers are over. I think we should all have a cold beverage. Mr. Rogers is going to have one of these. I call it Mr. Martin. See? there's a little twist of lemon in it. That's the mouth. And it talks to me. Can you hear it? (ICE CUBES) Can you hear what it's saying?
GK: Okay. Thank you, Mr. Rogers. (THEME) That's all the time we have for today's edition of Famous Celebrities.....Brought to you by MarCom, makers of UniHar.
© 1996 Garrison Keillor