(WESTERN THEME)
CF: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Whoopitiyiyo Brand Saddle Trash Bags....keep the trail neat and clean for the next cowboy and always carry Saddle Trash Bags from Whoopitiyiyo....available in the Petite, Homemaker, Big Boy, or Wild Swine sizes......and now here is today's story....
(HORSE HOOVES)
GK: Whoa. Whoa. Boy.
TR: Well. Here we are in Billings.
GK: A beautiful city. Hard to contain one's excitement.
TR: Oh?
GK: To think of Evelyn Beebalo waiting for me, perhaps in her hotel room, smelling of imported rosewater, penning a few delicate sentiments in her journal, perhaps about me. It's almost more than a man can bear. (VOICES, OFF.)
TR: Her name is Yvonne Beebalo, but never mind.
GK: (HE DISMOUNTS. CREAK OF LEATHER, SPURS. WHINNY, CHUFF.) When I think that after all the misery and loneliness I been through, that I may be on the verge of pure happiness --- first thing, I'm goin t' sit in a bath and soak out the past two months and then I'm goin t' get m' hair clipped n' buy me a pair o' snakeskin boots n' a white shirt with pearl buttons n' make us a reservation f'r dinner f'r two at the Chez Billings and after that we'll ---- How long does dinner take anyway?
TR: At a nice restaurant? Oh. I'd say an hour. Maybe more.
GK: An hour! Is that right? (HE HAWKS AND SPITS) Man. What do people find to talk about?
TR: You just talk about what you're interested in.
GK: What I'm interested in, I don't think that'd be a good idea.
TR: You talk about the weather.
GK: Like how?
TR: Well, like you say "My this has been dry weather, it must be hell on the Baptists."
GK: Huh. I'm so nervous, I don't know as I'd be able to say anything.
TR: You care t' take the horses t' the livery stable? (VOICES IN PASSING)
GK: You don't see her looking out of a window, do you?
TR: Nope.
GK: Listen. I'm goin' t' slip around the back way. You go in the front.
TR: How come?
GK: I don't want to walk in the lobby and run into her there all sweet and fresh, and me all rancid and ornery from two month in the saddle----
TR: You want me t' register for y'----Okay. See y' in a minute. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS ACROSS FLOOR. STOPS) Afternoon, sir. (FOOTSTEPS STOP)
TK: Howdy, mister.
TR: You got two rooms for three days, one with a bath?
TK: Reckon so. (PAUSE) That'll be four dollars.
TR: (MURMURS TO HIMSELF AS HE DIGS IN POCKET) Okay. (DROPS COINS ON COUNTER)
TK: The rules around here are simple: no shooting of firearms in the rooms, no yodelling or spitting after ten p.m., and no jumping out of the windows onto a horse. Okay?
TR: Okay. (PAUSE) This ain't the YMCA, is it?
TK: No, it ain't.
TR: Good. Listen --- could you look in your book there and see if a Miss Evelyn Beebalo, or a Miss Yvonne Beebalo, is registered here?
TK: Evelyn Beebalo? --- she checked out about ten minutes ago.
TR: She did?
TK: Said she was goin t' catch the afternoon train to San Antonio.
TR: Was she alone?
TK: No, she was with a friend.
TR: A girlfriend?
TK: Nope.
TR: A cousin?
TK: No. She was with Big Messer.
TR: Big Messer the mudslinger?
TK: Yep.
TR: The man they call Mister Disgusting?
TK: One and the same.
TR: And he and she went off to San Antonio?
TK: Train leaves in half an hour. (DISTANT WHISTLE) There she is now, just pulling in to the station.
TR: Okay. Thanks. (FOOTSTEPS ACROSS ROOM, UP STAIRS, THROUGH DOOR. AND DOWN HALL.)
GK: Pssssttt. Right here.
TR: Here's your key. You're in the Honeymoon Suite. I'm next door, in the Voyeur Room.
GK: You didn't see Evelyn, did you?
TR: No, I didn't.
GK: Is she checked in here?
TR: She was, as of fifteen minutes ago.
GK: I don't know when I've ever been so trembly and happy as I am right now. I'm goin t' jump in th' tub.
TR: Maybe you better make it a cold bath.
GK: I'm goin' t' soak out all my disappointments, Dusty, and open up my pores to pure happiness.....
TR: Okay. I'll take th' horses to th' stable. (FOOTSTEPS) (TO HIMSELF) Oh boy. What do I do now? Tell him she's at the train station with Big Messer? Or tell him later that she left without him? Which shall it be? Death? Or a broken heart? I tell you, the minute y' come t' town, y'r faced with moral dilemmas. (HIS VOICE FADES OUT) I shoulda gone t' college and studied philosophy, is what I shoulda done.... (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: Well....don't look too bad considering what I been through. Kinda scrawny 'n the red neck does give y' away an' m' legs are kinda bowed, and sittin' in the saddle has kind of bent my butt out of shape, but---- (HE GETS INTO TUB. WATER SFX THRU MIDDLE OF PAGE 8) Ahhhhhhhh. Now that's what life is supposed to be like. ----I believe I may've ridden my last trail drive. (HE PICKS UP GUITAR. STRUMS. TUNES.) I may settle in Billings and develope my artistic side. (HE STRUMS)
Dreaming of you and your eyes so blue, I've loved you forever it seems Longed for you, dear, and wanted you near, You are the girl of my dreams, And though I have met you just now, I'll tell you of my love somehow. If I could but win your heart, little girl, Then I would have treasures untold...
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
The kisses you gave me in life's sweetest dreams Are even worth far more than gold.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
GK: Come in!
(DOOR OPEN)
TR: You're playing guitar in the bathtub?
GK: Couldn't help myself, pardner. You're lookin' at a man in love. (STRUMS)
I love your sweet face and your dear smiling eyes, How often the story's been told....
TR: Lefty---
GK: What is it, Dusty?
TR: Lefty, I gotta tell y' somethin.
GK: What?
TR: Lefty, Evelyn Beebalo isn't here in the hotel.
GK: She's not?
TR: No, she's down at the train station.
GK: What's she down there for?
TR: She's down there with Big Messer.
GK: What's he down there for?
TR: They're down there together.
GK: I don't understand.
TR: They're waiting for th' train. Her and him.
GK: What's he doin' there with her?
TR: She's with him. And they're waitin' for th' train t' San Antonio.
GK: When does it come?
TR: It's there.
GK: Oh.
TR: It leaves in five minutes.
GK: Oh, I see.
TR: So Miss Beebalo, she's thrown you over f'r a common mudslinger, Lefty. She's been untrue t' y'.
GK: Oh well. It figures.
TR: Yer not jealous?
GK: Naw.
TR: Yer insides aren't boilin'?
GK: Naw.
TR: They're not?
GK: These things happen, Dusty. Not much y' can do about em. Y' just have t' accept disappointment.
TR: Well, I'm glad y'r takin that mature attitude----
GK: Would you do me a favor 'n go downstairs 'n tell em t' turn up the heat on th' water ---
TR: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS. FOOTSTEPS STOP.) (OFF) Yer all right, now??
GK: Yeah. (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE.) Evelyn---- darling, I'm a-comin' (SPLASH OF WATER. RUNNING BARE FOOTSTEPS. CRASH OF GLASS. HE SLIDES DOWN COPPER ROOF....GK VOCAL. HE LANDS ON HORSE. WHINNY. GK GIDDUP. GALLOPING HOOVES.) C'mon, girl. Ride like th' wind. There's the train station up there. Oh, Lord, don't let that train go. Oh Lord, let her be there. There's the train---- (DISTANT WHISTLE) ----- and there's Evelyn on the platform with her suitcases (HE NEARS STEAM ENGINE, HISSING) Whoa, whoa, girl. Whoa. (WHINNY. HORSE COMES TO STOP. STEAM.) Evelyn----
CF: Dusty. (OCCASIONAL STEAM HISSING THROUGH PAGE 12)
GK: Lefty. Dusty is th' other one.
CF: Lefty, sorry.
GK: Where you goin, Evelyn?
CF: Goin to San Antonio.
GK: Oh. I just arrived in Billings today, Evelyn. Rode up from Colorado.
CF: I see. (STEAM)
GK: Yeah, just come in off th' trail. Was lookin' forward to seein' you.
CF: Did y' leave y'r clothes in Colorado?
GK: No, they're at the hotel. I was takin' a bath.
CF: With y'r guitar?
GK: That's right. I was thinkin of you an' I was singin' (STRUMS)
Dreaming of you and y'r eyes so blue I loved you forever it seems
TK (OFF): Hey----
GK: I'll tell you of my love somehow---
TK (APPROACHING): Hey you. The naked guy on th' horse. You---- what you doin' singin t' my girlfriend, huh?
GK: (STOPS STRUMMING) If I could but win your heart, little girl....
CF: Big Messer, this here is Larry.
GK: Lefty.
CF: Lefty. Lefty is a real nice guy I met out on th' trail a few months ago.
TK: You met a naked guy on th' trail, Yvonne, an' you didn' tell me?
GK: Her name is Evelyn.
TK: Shuddup. Wasn't talkin' t' you.
CF: He wasn't naked then, Big Messer. (STEAM) Not that I recall. But it was dark.
GK (DISMOUNTING): Listen, Evelyn. I thought you and I ---- (WHINNY. HOOVES) Easy, girl. --- thought we'd get a chance to talk.
TK: What's goin on here, Yvonne?
CF: He's only a friend, Big Messer.
GK: That wasn't what you told me then, Evelyn. You said you loved me.
CF: That was two months ago, Eddie.
GK: Lefty.
CF: Lefty. Listen---- I never got a letter from you --- I figured you'd forgotten all about me.
GK: I wrote you every day, Evelyn, and since I was coming this way, I carried the letters with me, to save on postage.
CF: You wrote me every day?
GK: They're right here inside my guitar (PULLS OUT LETTERS) --- there. All to you----
TR (OFF): ALL ABOARD....(STEAM)
TK: C'mon Yvonne, let's go.....
CF (READING): Dear Evelyn, light of my life, joy of my heart, as I lie here in the dirt with rain falling on me, the thought of seeing you soon keeps me smiling.....(TO LEFTY) This is so sweet.
TK: Sweet, my foot. Come on.
GK: If the lady wants to read the letter, sir, I suggest you mind your manners and let her read.
TK: Yer standin there naked and tellin me to mind my manners?
CF (UNDER): ....the thought of hearing your voice and holding your hand....
GK: I'm tellin you that maybe the next time you want to win your way into a lady's heart, you oughta use a pen instead of a gun.
TK: Mister, I could take care of you with a pen or a gun or a bucket of mud, take your choice. Either one.
GK: That's funny. That's real funny. (STEAM)
CF (UNDER): ....the thought of your sweet breath....
TK: How come I'm not laughing then?
GK: The thought of you using a pen. It's humorous.
TR: ALL ABOARD.
TK: Lissen mister, I can shoot better n you and I can love better 'n you and I can spell better n you.
GK: Spell better n me! Ha! Big Messer ----
TK: I can spell better'n you....any day of the week.
GK: You --- spellin--- ha!
TK: I can spell words you ain't even heard of.
TR: BOARD.
GK: Like what?
TK: You name it.
GK: Oh yeah?
TK: Yeah.
GK: Okay.
TK: Okay.
TR: You folks a-gonna board? Eh? Lady? Can I help you up?
CF: Oh, thank you sir.
TK: You take your seat. I'll be there in a moment, Yvonne.
GK: You're not goin anywhere, you pusillanimous pipsqueak.
TK: Pusillanimous. P-u-s-i-double l---a-n-i-m-o-u-s. P-i-p-s-q-u-e-a-k. Ha!
TR: BOARD. (TRAIN PULLS AWAY AND VANISHES. HORSE WHINNY. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. STOP.)
TR (AS DUSTY, SLIGHTLY WINDED): Hey. I was lookin all over for you, Lefty. Y' cleared out without yer---- without any----- here ---- I brung y' a towel t' put around y'. What's the matter?
GK: She's gone.
TR: Yvonne?
GK: Evelyn. Just saw her off on th' train, Dusty.
TR: Oh? Where's she goin?
GK: To San Antonio.
TR: I see. What's she goin' t' San Anton' fer, Lefty?
GK: Goin' there t' wait f'r me.
TR: You goin t' San Antone?
GK: Yes, of course. Soon's we collect our pay.
TR: I see.
GK: Girl like Evelyn Beebalo, you don't just leave her sit in San Antonio by herself.
TR: So--- she went to San Antone alone?
GK: No, I sent a friend of mine along to make sure she arrives okay.
TR: I see.
GK: Next train leaves in two hours.
TR: Think you can make it?
GK: I gotta, Dusty. I just gotta.
(THEME)
CF: Join us next week as we continue -- THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS......brought to you by the AFL-CIO, the Abject Friendless and Lonesome Cowboys & Indians Organization....the fastest growing fraternity in America. Maybe you're a member and you don't even know it. (MUSIC OUT)
© 1996 Garrison Keillor