(WESTERN THEME)
CF: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Trailblazer Table Napkins...use em as napkins (SMOOSH OF GREASE)....as hankies (NOSE HONK)....or use em to tie up guys' wrists and gag em (GAGGING) and now, here's today's exciting adventure.....
(EVENING OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, DISTANT CATTLE)
GK: Spring is coming on, Dusty. Can you smell it?
(PAUSE, SNIFF)
TR: That's cattle you smell. Cattle and cattle by-products.
GK: Smells like spring to me.
TR: Well, I wouldn't go try to make a perfume out of it, if I was you.
(DOG GROWL)
GK: How come that dog of yours don't like me?
TR: I don't know. Why don't you ask him?
GK: He's a mangy mutt. (DOG GROWL)
TR: No more'n any the rest of us.
GK: I got a letter from Miss Beebalo, the other day.
TR: That cheap dancehall floozy?
GK: Yeah. Her.
TR: Wha'd she have to say?
GK: Oh. Not much.
TR: I see.
GK: This 'n that. You know.
TR: She say anything about me?
GK: No, she didn't mention you.
TR: I see.
GK: She was asking if I thought I might ever get to Billings anytime in the near future.
TR: Ha! For dumb.
GK: Well, she was planning on being in Billings so she naturally wondered if I might be passing through there. She seemed hopeful that I might. Even enthusiastic at the prospect.
TR: Why in the world would she care if you went through Billings or not? That's crazy.
GK: Well, her and me--- she was, you know--- I mean, when she come through here, you know, when I met her, her and that other gal she was with, Miss Beebalo, she and I, we talked....you know....and she....well, I mean, she didn't come right out and say this....but I could tell, you know....I mean, she sorta took a shine to me....
TR: She took a shine to you? Yvonne Beebalo---
GK: Evelyn Beebalo.
TR: Her name was Yvonne, Lefty. She told it to me twice.
GK: It was Evelyn, Dusty, but never mind, it doesn't matter.
TR: Doesn't matter what her name was?
GK: Her name was Evelyn, but you heard it wrong, and that's all right, what I'm saying is that she --- kinda took a shine to me and she wondered, you know---- when we'd be together again?
TR: She come over to me the first night she was here and she said, sorta low, you know--- she said, "I hope that old booger don't snore."
GK: Well, it doesn't matter. She was in love with me, Dusty.
TR: "Old booger" don't sound like love to me.
GK: You probably misunderstood....
TR: She says, "I hope that old booger don't snore, or I may have to come sleep on your side of the fire."
GK: She said that?
TR: That's what she said.
GK: Well, she didn't say it to me.
TR: That woman thought you were ugly as a mud fence.
GK: She said that?
TR: She thought you were dumb enough to be twins.
GK: Evelyn said that?
TR: She very clearly implied that when her and me took a walk together.
GK: You took a walk with Evelyn?
TR: Yvonne. We went out walking and she said she was thinking about going to Denver, she hadn't ever been to Denver before, but she'd heard a lot about Denver, and she figured that maybe if I were going to be in Denver, maybe that's be a good time to come down and see Denver. That's what she told me. Yvonne Beebalo. (FOOTSTEPS GOING AWAY) Where you goin?
GK: Goin for my guitar.
TR: I was afraid of that.
GK: (STRUMS. TUNES LAST STRING A LITTLE SHARP. STRUMS AGAIN.) When a man is overcome with strong feeling, he must express himself through music, Dusty. She is in love with me, I know that. (TUNES AND STRUMS)
TR: She played a cruel joke on you, pardner.
GK: She is sitting off somewhere in a lonely hotel lobby and longing for the day when our paths converge.
TR: She is sitting off somewhere in a crowded hotel bar and telling six of her best friends about this dumb cowboy she met and they are laughing their butts off at you.
GK: Not Evelyn. She wouldn't do that.
TR: Yvonne would, I know that.
GK: She's waiting for me, and when I see her again, I'll quit this lonely cowboy life and the low-grade companions one is forced to ride with in this line of work. This is a song I'm working on for when I see Evelyn again.
(SINGS AS HE STRUMS)
You're the cream in my coffee
You're the salt in my stew
You will always be my necessity, I'd be lost without you. You're the cinch on my saddle,
You're the bird in my tree,
You will always be my necessity, I'd be lost without thee. When men ride hosses,
For mean trail bosses,
They love hot sauces,
And you're my Worcestershire, dear.
You're the tines on my pitchfork,
You're the blade on my plow,
You will always be my necessity, I'd be lost without thou.
(INST. BREAK --- DOG COMES SNIFFING)
GK: Hey, get out of here.
TR: He likes you, Lefty.
GK: Don't need him to.... (SINGS AS HE STRUMS)
I've got to say, dear,
I've lost my way, dear,
Don't need an -ism,
Need a trail and you're my Chisholm.
You're the zip in my zipper,
You're the lace in my shoe.
You will always be my necessity, I'd be lost without you.
TR: No yodelling, Lefty.
GK: Yodeladiyodeladi---- That's the song I'm working up to sing to Evelyn when I meet her in Billings.
TR: Needs more work if you ask me.
GK: I didn't, but thank you.
TR: She might be a grandmother by the time you get it perfected.
GK: I don't think so.
TR: She spoke to me several times of her desire to have offspring.
GK: What?
TR: She said she was hoping it would be spring.
GK: Well. And so it is.
TR: 'N she give me this.
GK: What's that?
TR: A love token.
GK: Looks like a dollar bill ripped in half to me.
TR: She ripped it and kept the other half.
GK: Well, I don't know if that's true or not.
TR: I'm telling you it's true.
GK: Well, I don't know.
TR: It's true.
GK: I doubt that.
TR: It is.
(HORSE HOOVES RIDE UP AT GALLOP, GUNFIRE. CF WHOOPING. HORSE WHINNIES, STOPS. CF WHOOPS. GUNFIRE.)
GK: Hey! Hey! Take it easy.
TR: Hey---- what's goin on, ma'am? (MORE GUNSHOTS, WHOOPS)
GK: Hey, settle down---- quit that---- just quit yer shootin--- what you doin that for---- huh?
CF: I'm mad! (GUN SHOTS)
TR: What'd we do? We ain't done nothing to you.
CF: I'm mad. And you're the only ones to get mad at cause there ain't nobody else for miles. (SHE DISMOUNTS. HORSE WHINNY) Whoa.(FOOTSTEPS) Look at this.
GK: A newspaper clipping?
TR: (READING) In the U.S., the average income of a CEO is 120 times that of average employee.
CF: Makes my blood boil. A hunderd and twenty times! (GUNSHOT)
GK: Well, why come shootin around here -.
TR: We ain't CEOs!
CF: (PAUSE) You ain't?
GK: No, we ain't.
CF: I thought you were CEOboys.
TR: Cowboys. C-o-w....
CF: Ah. -----Sorry. (SHE BLOWS SMOKE FROM GUN BARREL, PUTS IT BACK IN HOLSTER). Hope I didn't upset ya.
GK: You some kinda outlaw, ma'am?
CF: Member of the Madison, Wisconsin, militia.
TR: Madison, Wisconsin!
CF: Heading east. Gonna get to the bottom of this.
GK: I hate to tell you this, ma'am, but you're somewhere in Wyoming, right now.
CF: Wyoming!
TR: This is Wyoming.
CF: Wyoming! Why that sneakin, lyin--- (CRUMPLES, RIPS PAPER, IN RAGE)
GK: What's the matter?
CF: I paid two dollars for this map! And it's gotten me lost! (SHE RIPS MAP IN FURY, THROWS IT ON GROUND, STOMPS ON IT, AND SHOOTS AT IT)
GK: Easy. Easy there.
CF: Makes me mad, that's all. You got any grub here?
TR: Sure.
CF: Good. I'd like a toasted cheese sandwich, cole slaw, and a vanilla malt.
TR: Okay. I'll do m' best. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)
CF: Makes me mad. Hundred and twenty times. Think about it.
GK: Yeah. It's a scandal all right. Terrible thing.
CF: What's that?
GK: What?
CF: That in your hand.
GK: It's something that a girl give me. A love token.
CF: It looks like half of a dollar.
GK: That's what it is.
CF: A girl give you that?
GK: Evelyn give me this. Thing is, she said she was keeping the other half of this dollar. But she give the other half to him.
CF: And told him that she was keeping --- the other ---
GK: Yes, exactly. Kind of a sad situation. I was looking forward to being in love and now it looks like it may take awhile. I don't know. I try to be an optimist, but there's not much evidence to support that conclusion.
CF: Well, I'm sure you'll find someone. You're a pretty spiffy guy.
GK: You think so?
CF: I think you're pretty attractive. I daresay most women would.
GK: Well, I'm not taking a poll or anything.
CF: Even as I come riding in here shooting off my pistol, incensed at the injustice of the American economy, I did sorta steal a glance at you and think to myself, hey, I wouldn't mind if that fellow there brought me my orange juice in the morning.
GK: Well, let me go see if we don't have some....(FOOTSTEPS)
(THEME)
TR: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS......brought to you by La Casa Grande Brand Placemats for the Trail. Why set your grub down in the dirt when you can use a handsome place mat from La Casa Grande? Your choice of six patterns: Vermont Covered Bridge, Manhattan At Night, Tropical Fish, Butterflies, Presidents of the United States, or Miss Gwendolyn Savage of Las Vegas, Nevada. (WHINNY) (MUSIC OUT)
© 1996 BY GARRISON KEILLOR