GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME), brought to you by ArGo, makers of StorCon. We're talking about jokes and comedy today, and the important part they play in our lives, but what about famous people? Do they like jokes too, seeing as how they're the butt of so many of them. How about you, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): Well, I just think that jokes are so important. Some of them are hurtful, but anyone who's been through hardship --- and there are a lot of them out there, especially since I became President --- they know that jokes can heal our spirits when we approach them in the right way.
GK: What is the right way?
TR (CLINTON): Well, I don't think that jokes ought to be disrespectful of people.
GK: Were you aware that people tell a lot of jokes about you, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): I--- I did know that. Yes. But you don't, do you?
GK: No, I don't.
TR (CLINTON): Thank you. You're not blind, are you?
GK: Not what?
TR (CLINTON): You're not blind. Visually impaired.
GK: Oh. No.
TR (CLINTON): Good. Do you know why blind people don't go sky jumping?
GK: No, sir.
TR (CLINTON): Actually, many blind people do enjoy sky jumping.
GK: That is good.
TR (CLINTON): I think it's important to not let our handicaps get in our way.
GK: Thank you, Mr. President. Senator Dole, do you enjoy jokes?
TR (DOLE): Well, let me put it this way. Bob Dole doesn't just talk about jokes. Bob Dole tells jokes.
GK: That's great.
TR (DOLE): Bob Dole heard jokes in World War II, while he was serving his country. Think about it.
GK: I am.
TR (DOLE): Like this one: a guy drives in to the garage and opens up the hood and the mechanic looks in, and the guy says "I'd like a rough opinion," and the mechanic kicks him in the shins and says, "$400." The guy says, "I'd like a second opinion." The mechanic says, "You're ugly."
GK: That's good. Are you aware that people now tell jokes about you, Senator?
TR (DOLE): Who does?
GK: Well, actually quite a few people do, Senator. Not me, but people I know. There's a joke going around about you this week in fact --- an MTV reporter asks you what kind of underwear you prefer, briefs or boxers, and you think about it for awhile and you say, "Depends".
TR (DOLE): Yes? What's the question?
GK: No question. Just thought you'd like to know that.
TR (DOLE): People wonder why Bob Dole goes around with that look on his face, that "Did I leave the oven on?" look. Well, right there is one reason.
GK: I take it you don't care for that joke, Senator.
TR (DOLE): Is there going to be a lot of that in the next few months?
GK: Yes, sir.
TR (DOLE): Well, I hope Bob Dole doesn't hear about it, that's all I can say.
GK: Thank you, Senator. How about you, Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): You talking to me--- well, I gotta tell ya --- jokes --- very important --- you got that whole unconscious aspect of humor --- aggression....call it what you will --- saying the forbidden --- the no-no --- big part of humor, you know --- talking about doo-doo and all of that type of thing --- love those jokes--- me and Bar used to sit up there --- family quarters --- tell jokes --- elephant jokes, you name it --- like, why don't elephants pick their noses? that type of joke --- loved all those. Funny stuff, jokes, some might call it immature --- I don't know --- fella's got to have a sense of humor, that was Saddam's problem, not a funny kinda fella, know what I'm sayin?
GK: Why doesn't an elephant pick its nose?
TR (BUSH): Well, where goin' t' hide a 30-pound booger?
GK: Thank you, Mr. President. How about you, Mr. Perot? Do you hear a lot of jokes even though you're a famous person?
TR (PEROT): I hear a lotta jokes---- cause I'm all ears. Heh. Heh heh heh heh.
GK: That was good.
TR (PEROT): Person who doesn't go in for jokes --- their elevator isn't running to the top floor, if you ask me. And I do. Even though a person of my height riding on an elevator --- air quality can be a serious issue. Take a look at this chart here. This line right there --- flat as a possum on a county road, and this second line goes right off the chart, right up into the sky --- it couldn't be simpler.
GK: That's good. What is it?
TR (PEROT): I've got no idea whatsoever. Somebody just handed it to me.
GK: Never mind. Julia----- you have a joke for us?
TR (JULIA): Have one right here and it's called tuna casserole.
GK: I see.
TR (JULIA): Made it as a joke but actually it's very yummy. You make it from tuna in a can, which includes parts of the tuna that ordinarily are used only in autopsies.
GK: That's interesting.
TR (JULIA): That's what gives canned tuna its richness. This is dolphin-safe tuna, by the way. It's so important to protect dolphins, I think, because dolphins can communicate with humans.
GK: Is that true?
TR (JULIA): Yes, that's how we found out about sushi.
GK: Thank you. Jack Nicholson, you have any good jokes today.
TR (JACK): Yes. Here's a good one. Minnesota.
GK: I don't get it.
TR (JACK): I'm not surpised. You people dug out of the permafrost yet?
GK: It's almost Spring, Jack.
TR (JACK): I think about you every time I throw on the shades and pick up the clubs. It's cold up there, isn't it.
GK: It's been cool the past couple of days.
TR (JACK): I heard that April changed its name to "the season formerly known as spring".
GK: Thanks for thinking of us. Mr. Secretary, do you tell quite a few jokes?
TR (KISSINGER): I tell some, yes.
GK: Do you have a favorite one you'd like to tell now?
TR (KISSINGER): Well, there were these two old men from the nursing home who were going for a walk with their nurse, Albert, and they were walking along the shore when a seagull flew overhead and ----pppppppp. You know what I mean?
GK: Yes, I think so.
TR (KISSINGER): And it hit one old man on the head. The ppppppppp.
GK: Right.
TR (KISSINGER): And Albert said, "I'll run up and get the toilet paper."
GK: Right.
TR (KISSINGER): And one of the old men said, "Why? By the time you get back, the bird will be gone."
GK: Right.
TR (KISSINGER): But the other old man said, "No, he won't necessarily be gone."
GK: Yes?
TR (KISSINGER): So they argued about this, and they went back and forth, and finally one man said, "Hey, who's got the pppppppp on his head? you or me?"
GK: Right.
TR (KISSINGER): And that's the joke.
GK: Good. Thank you. How about you, Mr. Rogers? Does anybody tell you jokes there in the neighborhood?
TR (ROGERS): Mr. Rogers hears many jokes, doesn't he. Yes, he does. Once there was a man teeing up his ball at the 16th hole and he'd had just a very bad round of golf. Do you know what a bad round of golf is? Do you? Good. The man put the ball on the tee and he looked up and he saw there was a water hazard. Do you know what a water hazard is? You do? I'm glad you do. The man saw the water hazard and he said to his caddy, "With my luck today, I'll probably fall in there and drown." And do you know what the caddy said? Do you?
GK: What?
TR (ROGERS): Shut up. Don't talk while Mr. Rogers is talking. Never do that.
GK: I'm sorry.
TR (ROGERS): Now you've ruined the joke.
GK: No, please....
TR (ROGERS): Now you've ruined it.
GK: I'm sorry.
TR (ROGERS): The man said, "With my luck I'll probably drown in the water hazard," and the caddy said, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
GK: That's good.
TR (ROGERS): Do you know what he meant about keeping your head down?
GK: Yes, of course.
TR (ROGERS): I was speaking to the children.
GK: Sorry. That's all the time we have today (THEME) for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarCon, makers of DelRay. (OUT)
© 1996 By Garrison Keillor