GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME)....a look at the private lives of the great....brought to you by ConLar, makers of NorWel....Christmas was month ago, and how many of you are using any of your Christmas presents? Famous people get truckloads of gifts every week from their fans and admirers, so the holidays don't mean as much to them, but out of all their gifts this year, were there one or two that were special? Let's ask them. How about you, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): Well, uh, I'd say that of all my Christmas gifts -- and I did appreciate all of them, and I spent a long time looking at each one of them and thinking about the particular emotions that led people to give me those things --- but the one that meant the most was this pair of socks that were knitted for me by an elderly widow named Thelma Barker who would be thrown out on the street under the current Republican budget plan.
GK: I see.
TR (CLINTON): But even though their plans for Medicare would leave her penniless and probably lying in a ditch somewhere, she sent me these green socks.
GK: Are those the right size, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): I have small feet.
GK: I didn't know that.
TR (CLINTON): I believe most people don't know that.
GK: Thank you sir. How about you, Senator Dole?
TR (DOLE): Well, I tell you, my favorite gift was this wonderful hat, and I like it and I think the American people are going to like it, and ---
GK: The hat with a pair of hands on it?
TR (DOLE): That's right, and you pull this string that comes down through the brim and it makes the hands clap, and I think it's a hat that shows a different side of Bob Dole, a warmer and more human side, and I think that's something that's going to be clearer to people over time, and that's all I'm going to say about that right now.
GK: Okay. Mr. President, how about you? Santa Claus bring you something nice?
TR (BUSH): Yeah, sitting here. January. Named for Janus, you know, the old two-faced god, or course, Roman god. Named for Rome. City there in Italy. Important NATO partner. Went there three, four, five times, however many it was, had some good times, ate lots of that pasta and all of the other things they offer there. Tomato sauce. Never threw up there. Not at the table anyway. Good place. Good memories. And that's my mood now as we head into winter, it's Thanks for the Memories, and I say let's not forget the good things, even as we get into this political year --- Feeling mellow. Sitting here in the lounger. Feeling like an astronaut here. Drink in hand. Fly me to the moon. Whoa. Tasty things, these Martinis. I like to call em, The Silver Curtain.
GK: Okay. Glad to hear that. Julia, how about you?
TR (JULIA CHILD): You know, the gift I enjoyed the very, very most was this lovely whisk --- it's exactly the right size to whip the cheese sauce into the hot macaroni and not bruise them.. See how easy that is?
GK: That's not Cheese Whiz, is it?
TR (JULIA CHILD): Were you peeking?
GK: Did I see a Cheese Whiz jar down there?
TR (JULIA CHILD): Tsk tsk tsk. Not supposed to look under the counter.
GK: Thank you, Julia.
GK: Mr. Secretary, what did you get for Christmas that you liked most of all?
TR (KISSINGER): My goal from the very beginning was to achieve a mutually satisfactory exchange of presents and I was happy to receive this hot potato holder that enables you to butter your potato without burning your hands.
GK: Very nice.
TR (KISSINGER): You put the potato right there.
GK: I see. Mr. Rogers, did you get anything for Christmas that's very special?
TR (MR. ROGERS): Well, yes I did. Something very special. (PAUSE A BEAT) Would you like to hear about it?
GK: Yes, I would. Of course.
TR (MR. ROGERS): I make you a little bit uneasy, don't I?
GK: Yes, a little bit.
TR (MR. ROGERS): And yet children take to me like a fish to water, don't they?
GK: I guess so.
TR (MR. ROGERS): Children are much more fond of Mr. Rogers than they are of you.
GK: You're probably right.
TR (MR. ROGERS): And then they get up around eight or nine years old, and they don't care for me anymore. Then they think I'm dumber that dirt.
GK: Is that painful for you, Mr. Rogers?
TR ( MR. ROGERS): Rejection is always painful. But do you know what we do about it?
GK: Uh --- do we learn to enjoy being by ourselves?
TR (MR. ROGERS): No. We don't.
GK: Do we try to be more accepting of those who reject us?
TR (MR. ROGERS): You must be kidding.
GK: What's the answer, Mr. Rogers?
TR (MR. ROGERS): We reposition ourselves in the market and try to improve our demographics.
GK: What does that mean?
TR (MR. ROGERS): I'm starting a new talk show with Joan Rivers.
GK: You are?
TR (MR. ROGERS): You're surprised, aren't you?
GK: I am.
TR (MR. ROGERS): She and I are going to be meeting some very unusual neighbors.
GK: Okay. Well --- (THEME) That's all the time we have for today's edition of Famous Celebrities....intimate details from people we thought we knew but didn't .. Brought to you by UniCom, makers of HarMar.
© 1996 by Garrison Keillor