Rhubarb script
Saturday, June 28, 2008

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GK: So your children are home from school and they are glued to their computers (VIDEO GAME SFX) and you plead with them —

TR: It's summer! Look! Trees! Grass! Did you ever hear of baseball????

(VIDEO GAME SFX)

GK: They sit hypnotized by little flickering lights, turning into pale zombies (SS ZOMBIE GIRL) and eating chips by the fistful (SNARFLING) and cheese dip (BELCH) and finally you put your foot down— (BIG WHAMMMM WITH REVERB) and you unplug the computer (POWERS DOWN, CHILD PROTESTS)

TR: I'm taking you to the Renaissance Festival! (BUGLES)

GK: The Renaissance Festival — it takes place outdoors (HORSE WHINNY) and it's about history — sort of— (SWORDS CLANKING)

TR (BRIT ACTORLY): Come then Northumberland! Come, Monmouthshire! Come Sussex and Wessex! To the gates! To the castle! (BUGLE)

GK: And the kids like it— (FINGER CYMBALS) there's women dancing in translucent veils — (FN TEEN: Wow) and there's jousting (GALLOPING HORSES MEET IN MIDDLE AND BIG OOOOFFFFF AND THUD) and here's a jester (TINY BELLS, YOKEL CHORTLES), and here's two drunken wenches—

SS & IS (COCKNEY):

Aooooowwwww—
Bring to me a lot of ale
Bring it in a big tin cup
And also bring a wooden pail
For when I have to throw it up.

GK: And there is falconry (HAWK SCREECH), and a blacksmith (CLANG), and swordfighters (SWORDS, SWORDSMEN PARRY AND THRUST) and there's a poet—

FN (POET, BRIT):

Here midst the cowslips let us lie
And gaze upon this summer sky
And put your milk-white hand in mine
And won't you have a glass of wine
O summer's lease is much too brief
Our life is but a slender leaf
So let us hasten our love to express
Oh my goodness I've unzipped your dress.

(BAWDY LAUGHTER)

GK: It's very bawdy, very earthy, very rowdy (BAWDINESS) and your kids love it (KID ENTHUSIASM) — you're surrounded by big sweaty smelly people in leather. And there's a lot of emotion in the crowd.

TR (WITH MOB RESPONSES): Burn her! Burn the witch! She's the one who brought the pox on our town! Burn her and the rest of us will live!

SS (WITCH): Burn me and I will curse you as I burn and all of you will be dead by midnight. (MOB YELLING)

GK: And now you notice the rats (RATS) and the sick people lying in the gutter (GROANING, COUGHING) and a madwoman (INGA MAD SINGING) and now here comes the Mongol Horde (MONGOL WARRIORS) — and finally you speak up —

TR: Get me out of here. I'm an American!

FN (BRITISH): American! What's that, pray tell—

SS (BRITISH): It's nothing. There is no such thing.

FN (BRITISH): Then he must be a pirate. To the guillotine! (MOB RESPONSE)

GK:

GK: And they grab you and they drag you up to the guillotine—(GUARDS MUTTERING) and the blade is raised— (GUILLOTINE IS WINCHED UP)—

FN (KID): Dad?

(THEME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

(SINGS)

Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:

Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.