Skating script
Saturday, January 26, 2008
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(THEME)

TR (ANNC): And now Buzzardt — the name to trust when it comes to Beeswax Chapstick — brings you another episode in the drama of: (REVERB) The Swansons. The story of Brad and LaVonne Swanson, who, at the age of 48, are making one last stab at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships.

(SKATING, OFF, CHEERING, OFF)

SS: We're just going to have fun tonight, Brad. Remember that. This is about fun.

GK: Is there something on my upper lip?

SS: You look fine, Brad, and we're going to go out there and win this and we'll have fun. Tonight's our night. Look at me. I'm smiling. I'm up, Brad.

GK: I feel as if I have a shred of salad or something on my upper lip. Or is it in my teeth?

SS: Brad, look at me. You look great, honey.

GK: But is it there? The spinach?

SS: Nobody can see it.

GK: That's a yes, isn't it?

SS: We're going on soon. Just focus.

TR (FLAT, ON INTERCOM): Coming onto the ice right now. Skating to "The Dance of the Sandpiper." Brad and LaVonne Swanson. From Muskegon, Wisconsin. (APPLAUSE)

GK: I'm 48 years old, LaVonne. I don't want my whole career to go down the toilet because I have spinach in my teeth.

SS: Okay. (ORGAN INTRO AND CLASSICAL MUSIC) Here we go. It's our music.

GK: Who picked this out?

SS: You picked that out.

GK: I did?

SS: Dance of the Sandpiper? You don't remember?

GK: Sandpipers don't dance, LaVonne. They run.

SS: Okay. We can do this, remember? We've got what it takes. Arch your back.

GK: I've got something in my teeth.

SS: This is our time. Deep breath.

GK: Breathing is not going to clean my teeth.

SS: Smile. Here we go! (STRONG SKATING STROKES, AUDIENCE ERUPTS) And three and four and turn— and you're going great— five, six, seven— and lift--

(GK STRAINS, APPLAUSE)

SS: Yes! Yes! We're on! We're doing it!

GK: My god, you're heavy.

(STRONG STROKES)

SS: Focus Brad, focus. Now dip, swing, and shuffle left, shuffle right--

GK: When did you get so heavy? (STRAIN)

SS: Don't drop me, butterfingers. Focus.

GK: Did you eat bricks for breakfast this morning?

SS: Just watch where you're putting your hands, all right? (SKATING FASTER)

GK: We're in a lift. I'm supposed to put my hands there.

SS: Okay now throw me, Brad, throw me. (GRUNT, LAND, POLITE APPLAUSE) Yes! Okay— Double lutz (JUMP, LAND), triple salchow (JUMP-LAND-JUMP-LAND-JUMP-LAND) into a triple toe loop (JUMP-LAND-JUMP-LAND-JUMP-LAND, POLITE APPLAUSE)

GK: (STROKES) Why do you have to wear that little tiny skirt of yours?

SS: Oh, please. Not now.

GK: That little turquoise sequined thing cut all the way down to your navel--I mean what's the point in even having a dress? Why not just skate in the nude?

SS: Honey, it's flesh-colored spandex.

GK: You're 48 years old, LaVonne. You're the mother of three children.

SS: What is wrong with you?

GK: Maybe I should wear flesh-colored spandex, huh? Then we'd really be a team.

SS: You know what, I'm not even going to talk to you right now. We have to dance.

GK: Fine. Triple axle. (SKATING JUMP, LAND, BIG APPLAUSE)

SS: Kick ball change kick ball change (TOE DIGS)-what are you doing? You can't just improvise--

GK: Nobody's going to know the difference, trust me.

SS: Don't sabotage our performance, Brad.

GK: I'm not.....

SS: Okay— right hand— right hand— and turn— three, four, five — extension! Extension! Smile, Brad. Smile. With teeth.

GK: I'd rather not right now.

SS: Don't turn— don't turn—

GK: Let's go back this way.....

SS: What are you doing????

GK: Skating back this way— I have something in my teeth. I want to get it out.

SS: This isn't our routine— where are you going?

GK: Turn around, turn around....

SS: Turn around where? (SKATING) The boards are there—

GK: I've got you—

SS: don't turn me—

GK: Trust me. Come on. (SKATING. CRASH. CRUNCH OF BOARDS, CROWD REACTION, MUSIC STOPS)

SS: Oh. Ow. My ribs.

TR (FLAT, ON INTERCOM): Brad and LaVonne Swenson, skating to The Dance of the Sandpiper.

(POLITE APPLAUSE)

GK: We blew it, LaVonne. Come on, get up.

SS: We??? We blew it?

GK: We fell on our butts and the judges are snickering behind their scorecards and our team is looking down at their skates in shame. I'm going to have to go back to teaching driver training, LaVonne.

SS: Serves you right. You're an idiot, Brad. You steered me right into the boards.

GK: "Have fun with it" was what made me tense up.

SS: Oh blame it on me, wouldja. Blame it on me. That's it, Brad.

GK: Uh oh. Here come our scores.

TR (FLAT, ON INTERCOM): 4.2, (CROWD REACTION), 3.1 (CROWD REACTION), 3.0 (CROWD REACTION) 2.3 (CROWD REACTION), 2.1, (CROWD REACTION), 1.3 (CROWD REACTION)

GK: One point three!?!?!

SS: I'm done, with you, Brad. And you know what? I'm skating with Boris Ilvinovich next year.

GK: Boris Ilvinovich?!??? That gink from Russia?

SS: Here he comes--

(SKATING, TR RUSSIAN)

SS: You drop me all the time, Brad. And your hands are cold as ice.

GK: But we've been together 30 years-all that practice-

SS: I'm with Boris now, Brad. Goodbye. And go floss. You have spinach in your teeth. (SKATES OFF, ZAMBONI UP, TR RUSSIAN RECEDES)

TR (ANNC): Will LaVonne and Brad get back together? Can an American woman of 48 find true fulfillment with a Russian partner? Join us for the next episode of (REVERB) The Swansons.