Rhubarb script
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Listen

GK: It's a cold dark day at the Federated Association of Organizations (TR: GOOD MORNING, MISS BIRCHMERE) and you arrive at the office and walk down the avenue of cubicles and see everyone is busy playing solitaire at their computers (CLICKING, FOOTSTEPS, SHEEPISH "GOOD MORNINGS") and of course they're embarrassed to be caught at it—

TR: What's that on your screen?

TK: This? Oh. It's Internet Poker.

TR: Oh.

TK: I'm waiting for a phone call.

GK: (FOOTSTEPS) You used to play poker in college. It was fun. So (DOOR CLOSE) you go into your office and turn on your computer and — there's a woman on your screen—

SS (ON SCREEN): Hi. Want to play poker with me?

GK: And you start (BEEPING, CLICKING, SLOWLY BUILDING IN INTENSITY) and at first you're making small bets, and after awhile you're hooked (TR EXCITEMENT) and you spend your lunch hour playing and you max out one credit card and switch to another and your secretary is trying to reach you (SS DEEP ON INTERCOM: Mr. Bulger? Your guests are waiting in the lobby) and you're helpless to resist — the game has you by the throat (POUNDING ON DOOR, MUFFLED: "MR. BULGER? MR BULGER?") and you max out another credit card and now you're about bet your home — (TR ANXIETY) all on one hand — (SS: Cards on the table, pal) a pair of sevens and a pair of twos-(HYPERVENTILATING) should you do it? (SS: I'm calling your bluff.) so you click "bet"-and you immediately regret it-(TR: Go back! Go back! Undo!) and just then your computer dies (ELECTRIC SHORTING) — (TR BANGING ON IT, YELLING) — it's gone — (FOOTSTEPS, PANTING). You run out the door (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES), and it's 14 below zero and you don't care, what do you have to lose? (CAR DOOR CLOSE, MOTOR START) You get in your car and you go on a rampage (TR: WHAT THE HEY), you go to the grocery store and you run up and down the aisle smashing jars of jam. (GLASS BREAKAGE) Raspberry (GLASS BREAKAGE), apricot (GLASS BREAKAGE), strawberry (GLASS BREAKAGE) and coughing on the cheese trays (BIG HACK) and shaking the bottles of sparkling water and opening them (SPRAYING) and then you drive to the Humane Society (CAR REVS)

GK: ... and you adopt the five meanest dogs you can find (WILD DOGS BARKING) and you go to the liquor store and you buy beer for the dogs (DOGS LAPPING) —and you kidnap an old lady—

SS (OLD): What do you want with me, mister?

TR: Get in the trunk. (THUNK, CAR REV)

GK: ...and you drive off and you turn on your car radio and it's a radio preacher (TR ON RADIO: And Scripture says, there is a broad road that leadeth to destruction) and you're on a broad road, (CAR SLOW AND STOP) and you pull over to the side of the road (TR SOBBING) and you've seen the error of your ways — and you call your wife and confess (TR WEEPING: I've been a real jerk, but I'll make it up to you) and you call up your minister (TR WEEPING: I want to dedicate my life to helping young people) and you call a psychologist (TR: I'm going through a big crisis now and I need therapy) and you don't notice the policeman standing by the car until he taps on the window (TAPPING ON GLASS).

TK: Your tail light is out, sir. And those dogs in the backseat look intoxicated. (MUFFLED BANGING, MUFFLED SS OLD: Help! Help!) Somebody in your trunk?

(THEME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

(SINGS)

One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.