Radio script
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Listen

GK: Yes, these are good times for radio — what with people realizing there is a recession going on and that they can't afford to go to movies anymore and people cancelling their cable TV subscriptions, suddenly people are discovering what radio is. It's audio. It's sound. And it's just as exciting as television. We've got nightly cage matches with torches. (TK & TR GRUNT, WHACKS, WHOPS, CAGE RATTLE, TORCH WHOOSHING). We've got a talent show called American Icon.

(SS SINGS TONIGHT)

GK: We've got radio tennis (VOLLEY) radio golf (GOLF SWING, OOOHs and AHHHs). And just after that we've got monster trucks (BIG ENGINE REV) jumping over schoolbuses filled with children (BIG ENGINE REV, CHILDREN REACT), and then we have a weight loss show called

TK: MISTER FATTYCAKES. (GELATIN WOBBLE)

GK: And of course there's the Russ Timmy Show-

TR: We've got the results of your paternity test, Mr. Nelson (OPENING ENVELOPE) and....(DRUMROLL) congratulations-you're the father!!!! SS (TRASHY): I told you—I told you!!!

(BOOS)

GK: And there's Dr. Bill, Radio psychologist.

TR: Reality check. What in the world were you thinking?

GK: We have dramatic shows like Hopeless Midwesterners

SS (MIDWESTERN): You're the only one who makes me feel special Timmy.

TK (TEEN): But I'm only the newspaper boy.

SS (MIDWESTERNER): You give me more than the newspaper, Timmy.

TK (TEEN): I do?

SS (MIDWESTERNER): I've got some peanut butter cookies in the oven. Let's have some.

TK (TEEN): Right now? Oh. Gosh. Okay.

GK: And a big giveaway show-

TR (ANNC): Sandy Richards, Come on down!!!! You win the La-Z-Boy chair and the Pop-Top camper and this handsome living room set!! (CHEERING)

GK: Radio has American Demo (BIG CHORD) in which we bring down enormous buildings with high explosives (SERIES OF DETONATIONS, CROWD AWE), and after that, "Sex In The Country"

(SS CHICKEN SEDUCTIVE CLUCKING. TK ROOSTER SEDUCTIVE RESPONSE. SS CHICKEN. TK ROOSTER. SS CHICKEN. TK ROOSTER CROW.)

GK: And as our show goes along, we'll be doing three separate news crawls at the bottom of the radio screen. (SS MURMURING NEWS, TR MURMURING NEWS, TK MURMURING LIVESTOCK REPORT) Bringing you simultaneous news and information as the monster trucks leap the buses, and fat people jiggle, and building blow up, and enormous men wrestle in the mud. Tune in to radio. It's all the entertainment you could possibly need, and it's also free, as long as you don't listen during the pledge drive.