Mental script
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Listen

GK: It's a depressing time of year. (SS SOBBING) Your Christmas bills come home to roost. (OPENING ENVELOPE, A BEAT, HARDER SOBBING). Your New Year's Resolution to lose those last 10 pounds — take a look in the mirror. (SOBBING, INTO THIRD GEAR) And whether you're Leo or Pisces or whatever, Mercury is in retrograde, which means your hard drive will crash (POWERING DOWN, TR PANIC), your car won't start (CAR STRAINING TO START), and here we are in a recession. Former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan.....

TR (GREENSPAN): This is Alan Greenspan. Welcome to this wonderful show of entertainment, which we hope will take your minds off the recession that has trapped many of you in a morass of hopeless debt that only gets worse the harder you struggle. Thank goodness the I.R.S. didn't audit you this year, otherwise you'd be walking out of the courthouse with your hat over your face. But let's put that aside tonight, because tonight we are here to laugh, and after all, laughter is the best medicine, other than being rich.

GK: And then you add to that, the cold, the darkness, it's no wonder people feel stressed.

SS: Go pour yourself a cup of coffee.

TR: What?

SS: I'm not waiting on you.

TR: You're standing there next to it.

SS: What are you? Crippled?

TR: Oh, just go take a hike.

SS: What did you say?

TR: I said, go take a hike.

SS: I may just do that. (DOOR SLAM)

GK: Actually taking a hike is exactly what you need. (FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW) Nothing fights depression and despair like a good bracing walk in the outside air. (INHALE, EXHALE), and the Minnesota Mental Health Association has volunteers at ready to come to your home and help.

SS: Come on, Mr. Lundberg. Out of bed. Up and at 'em-it's Julie. Your trainer. Let's go. (GROANING)

GK: Yes it's 20 below zero (TEETH CHATTERING), yes it's dark, and yes there are carnivorous beast out there (WOLF HOWL). But that's nothing compared to hopeless resignation, doom and despair, which is what happens if you don't get out there and walk. That inner voice that says—

TR (MONSTER VOICE): Loser.

GK: Yes, it's cold, and that's good for you — you just have to keep moving and you'll feel better right quick (FAST FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW, TR RISING JOY: YES, YES, YES.....YES).

GK: Keep moving, ignore the wolves (SNARLING), don't make eye contact with them, and whatever you do, don't listen to the beautiful women calling to you from the woods— (SS SINGING, SIREN: The woods are lovely, dark and deep — come in here and go to sleep). You have miles to go.....

TR: Miles to go!!!! (FAST FOOTSTEPS)

GK: A message from the Minnesota Mental Health Association .